Pain has purpose

Fear and pain are inextricably linked i think. Pain hurts so it becomes something to fear then having the fear causes pain because the fear is an obstacle that doesnt belong. Round and round it goes. So many different kinds of pain. pain as a concept and something to understand is one thing, pain that affects you personally or a loved one is quite another. It takes on a diffferent dimension. Like the saying goes *minor surgery is surgery done on somebody else!* God is answering my prayers well the deepest level ones helping ne overcome my fear as well as wrestle with Him and seek that intimacy with Christ. Problem is He does it in ways i sure souldnt pick. Opportunities for growth. Oh that they would be easier.

If you pray for patience God tends to send things that cause you to develop patience. So if i pray to be free of fear well I wonder what He will send??? Hmmmmm He has give me alot more clearness at times during the day. He is always present and He will be present at a tragfic even as He will be at a joyous event. Somehow i have let a deeply embedeed emotional belief remain for as lon gas i can recall that i am *onedown* as in being lesser than others. Along with this is a feeling sense that God is either angry disappointed or disinterested.. The fear is tied in to these emotional beliefs as well as a sense that I should not have these to begin with and should be strong in His Word and in resting in Him and letting Him lead me as He calls me to. After all i have sought to stud His Word in depth even wanted to be a minister so how can I have these kind of issues in me??? Im trying to illustrate the whole scenario here. It seems at times i go in circles with my struggles but im just trying to deal with them headon and on here is really the most completely open place i can or maybe ever have. Its not a common thing to just openly share deep emotional and spiritual struggles that also can seem to cause you to feel as though you are missing the boat and somehow stuck in a place where you feel like a leper cast aside and unclean unable to find the way to the wholeness sought so fiercely.

As i trped that last sentence another thougt came to mind. Most of the things i talk about on here in terms of my struggles are internal and personal. I get along well with people. I am able to serve in my church and be a leader I have certain gifts God has generously allowed me to use as well as develop. I am usually able to enjoy my days and find much laughter and joy as wel as the ups and owns. But deep inside all these issues percolate. i guess they do for all of us mainly. I wonder what it would look like if we all had montors on our chests and messages would flash on and off displaying what was really going on inside us at any given moment. What a shock to the system we all might experience. I try to share on here in an open manner that remains true to my personality and style. I get selfconscious attimes when i see things written other places that talk about a certain thing that hits upon an issue or failing i have and I wonder if i am doing something wrong at times in certain things i share. I find other thoughts that balamce things out and most of you are very sweet and kind people who share with grace and truth and humor. Like my friend barbara says so often i truly am deeply thankful for my blog friends some whom i have just barely met and even those who are just infrequent visitors. You have brought richness to my life and that is the beauty of the internet that such genuine connection can happen over a computer!!!!!

I have a severe financial situation. i really need a second job to handle it but my health situation makes that untenable for the most part. I just ask for any prayers that God will help me to trust Him in facing it and to manage it. I really dont want to have to give up my internet because this blog and all of you are such a vital tool in my growing. I just lay it out here because prayer is powerful and i can use all of it I can get. Someone very close to me also is facing a very tough situtation just pray God provides perseverance as it works out. Pain definitely causes me to seek purpose even though I often just seek to sedate or blot it out in ways that dont work. God is dealing with that and He will continue to do so i pray I will choose a mature handling of it and one that increases my relationship with Him.