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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, November 11, 2007

lost and found

Have you ever had to go to the lost and found dept at a store?? Usually a counter way in the back and all the stuff is tossed into bins awaiting the owner to claim them. All kinds of things can be mixed in with each other. People can be like that too. Some totally lost wondering where they are or maybe not even aware of being lost or suppressing it deep down. Others have been found and so happy to have been restored to their Owner. Maybe not the best analogy for what i want to say but it can work.

I saw the movie *Martian Child* yesterday highly recommend it it is about feeling/being rejected by all around you afraid you dont fit in and never will as well as losing your parents. It was hard to watch in ways because it touched on some deeply sensitive areas in me emotionally. Even though Im 46 i still have wounds and scars that inside make me feel Im 8. I know even people in their 80s do. There were times when the lil boy in the movie wanted to say certain things or express things and the adults around him or even the other kids didnt want to hear what he wanted to say and he didnt feel he fit in anywhere as he was. I felt that way alot as a kid because I knew i was more emotionally sensitive than other kids and felt different because of having had a parent die. it always was an awkward thing at times having to tell people when they asked me about my dad that he had died, awkward internally that is. WEe all have a social decorum to deal with such things. I struggle and have struggled with sharing my fear of death openly because death is not something typically anyone likes to talk about regardless who they are. As christians there is general assumption that you are saved your going to heaven death is no big deal so rest in that assurance. I have to say that is VERY GOOD NEWS and totally reassuring but when you have emotional issues and times of doubt they need to be processed and not just brushed aside with *you already know the answer to that* I had a tract placed on my door the other day one of those *God has a wonderful plan for your life* tracts. It was fine and at the end had the *facts faith feelings* apologetic on it. Dont trust your feelings, place faith in God and His Word. This is true and right BUT God gave us our feelings just what DOES He want us to do with them???

Sometimes its hard to know just how revealing and open to be on here, for any of us im saying. You get to form friendships with people and even maybe a lil community who all share with each other. You get scared of being vulnerable to being rejected ignored scolded or any number of reactions from people that would hurt especially if you have had these happen in person already. Emotional intimacy that is something so deeply desired by us all i think even if we have been wounded to the point where we put up barriers against it. I want that emotional intimacy with God soooooooooooooooo badly and at the same time it is the hardest thing to seek because of the fear of how entirely vulnerable I am and being emotionally hurt by God is like death something never you want to experience.

i read many blogs and see many people seeking this intimacy with God. Deeper than understanding for we all have a pretty solid understanding of Gods love for us but obstacles keep us from that deeply felt and known intimacy like paul talks about in Philippians and like the Trinity have together. Achieving this,wanting this,seeking this,getting it and getting past your own blocks and barricades your own sin patterns and have this happen. How do we make this happen??? Getting beyond the *norm* of knowing God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to that deep intimacy which is beyond words to describe. How do we get there???


At 10:47 AM, Blogger bjk said...

a seeking heart He never denies....not sure of the whens or hows of it but I really believe this to the tips of my toes....thanks Robert for your seeking heart....


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