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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, November 18, 2007

filling a hole

What really matters to you??? That was the question my pastor posed to us in service today. The pat answer is life in Christ, God. Going past that though we find alot of things because life in our culture moves sooooooooooo fast and so many influences upon us. * Be still and know that I AM GOD* sure seems like a very difficult task for us nonstop always on the go americans. If we are fully honest with ourselves I think we may find that we lose track of what really matters most to us at times in the hurriedness and accumulation of stuff that pulls at us in all directions let alone our owb constant fight with our old sinful nature to let it die and live by our new nature.

We all are unique,in our own ways. I have had a more sensitive spirit i was born with i think. i have always had an ability to tune into peoples feelings even at times before they even realized they were feeling that way! I think in ways this sensitivity makes things feel stronger at times. My ears have always been that way. I had tons of earaches as a kid. Anytime i went to a high altitude or on a plane my ears woukd hurt very bad. One time we went on a school field trip in like the 1st grade we got on our bus and it wouldnt move. All the kids started making loud noise and then chanting were stuck in the bus in the mud for some reaon it just hit me as scary and i screamed NOOOOOOOOOOO and tried to get out a teacher took me and calmed me down letting me look out the window and see we were going to be fine just stuck for a bit in mud we were parked in. This was very embarrassing as all the other kids saw my reaction and i became an instant target for teasing from then on. I have been a bit gullible as well although i think i prefer that to cynical. I havev always felt emotionally weak often for some reason cant identify exactly why but Im sure its a combination of things.

My being open about what underlies my sex addiction is to share openly and also maybe help anyone who may read here and struggle in the same way or a close thing to it and not feel alone and isolated. The fear of course is being judged,rejected,seen as bad or unworthy or anything that equals being unloved. We also talked about Song of Solomon in sunday school today. God knew exactly what He was doing in creating sex. It is surely a powerful amazing force and definitely something to bond 2 people together as one. Those of you who have been blessed with good looks and healthy emotional development well God bless you and you surely reap the benefits of marriage and joy of sharing life with one you love and who loves you. Living as though you are unable and unwanted in any way shape or form to experience that love and intimacy with another is a deep wound. You see it all around you, and then have to have it smeared in your face that no one wants you in that way over and over again hard to explain the pain that causes so deeply within. Of course in order to cope you learn to bury it so life can be lived. When an opportunity happens to actually experience that even if its in a wrong way or a fantasy way the temptation becomes sooooooooo strong. Sexual intimacy alot like alcohol or drugs takes on a spirit form once the action begins it becomes like a high that just fills you and no thought process is involved just the rush of pleasure you get from it, which causes you once its over to seek it again and again and to increase it more and more. Once time has passed you feel shane and guilt for acting in a way you know goes against Gods desires and you want to end it but then eventually that pull comes again and the pleasure sits in front of you like a carrot barely out of reach . You make all kinds of rationalizations for it just so you can have that pleasure high and so it goes the cycle of addiction.

Im sure alot of this may be old news but its new in coming from how i experienced it. i have a hard time with strong emotion of any kind. I like to keep my emotions under control. It is awesomw to feel joy and happiness and love and all the positives but sucks bad to feel the negative. Its weird because i find it easy to express warmth and caring to people. i always like to smile and cheer people up be an encourager be there when they are hurting or down whatever may be the cause. But for myself i find it so hard to treat myself this way, to let others give that to me and fill my hole up. I have had experiences of recieving so much from people over the years. Deep inside though my hole has been ther always seeking something more and ends up going to sexual release to fill it. i say this openly in order to be real and transparent. I battle it and have battled it. It is not something where i just go ok God screw You im doing this although maybe in a way the actions end up doing that. Surveys show over half of pastors admit to some form of struggle with sexuality and it may be higher because many might lie about for fear of being rejected and losing their jobs. I was activelyu seeking to be a pastor, am associate one , as well as be involved in ministry and telling people abour Christ, teaching , preaching disciplong and still had this hole and struggle of how vi filled it this whole time.

How does Jesus be the only way to fill this hole??? Seek His Kingdom and His righteousness first, seek deep intimacy with Christ, wrestle with God for the wound and the blessing. Bill Hybels said Willow Creek got it wrong, big programs and activities arent how to make people grow spiritually and in Christ, discipling them teaching them to know how to understand the Bible and apply it are. I have ben pursuing this a long time and have had my detours i get off onto at the sametime. Praying that i can ask jesus to help me learn to apply Him and the Holy Spirit to BE what fills that hole so these other things will be tossed away and bounce off like Im wearing teflon!!!! All thoughts welcome and wanted.


At 7:25 AM, Blogger bjk said...

I have been a bit gullible as well although i think i prefer that to cynical.

stay seeking and open and IF that is seen as gullible.....then so be it.....easy to say huh?

loved this post.


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