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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, November 16, 2007

twists and turns

Life is definitely full of them twists and turns. From all directions. Good bad ugly funny and just plain crazy. So many different ideas swirling within my head. So many amazingly incredible posts by awesome fantastic people. God definitely is far beyon all we ever ask or think and AMEN to that!!!!!!! It is a huge joy to keep discovering fresh insights from so many varied people and their backgrounds. Fear constricts and limits but faith and hope loosen and expand and unveil so much that can still be seen and learned and pursued. Barbara has a very honest post today at her blog. Talking about how hard it is in *trying to love God and follow Him and obey Him and be a good christian* Donnav left a comment that really hit home to me. It isn't God who is making it so impossibly tough hard and unbearable to live as He calls us to in Jesus, it is our preconceived notions and skewed views of who He is and what He wants from us which cause the anguish.

Knowing this and doing something about are 2 hugely different things. When I was in Bible College I was also involved as a youth leader, teaching jr high high school and college/career youth in my church and we met together every sunday night for fellowship discipleship and to just share ourselves. I sought to see the world thru Jesus eyes and looked for ways to just serve anyway there was. I have always had a pastors heart, wanting to encourage and help especially when i see people hurting or in need. I liked to look out for the loners and those who were not part of the *popular social circle* because I knew what it was like to be there.

After leaving Bible College I experienced a letdown. I had so many friends there and really loved being active on campus and involved in things went out preaching to small churches was head of our Christian Service committee. All of a sudden i had none of that. I was alone living with my mom and working a temp job because I had decided my degree i graduated with wasnt what i was meant to do nor gifted to do. I didnt know what i was going to do really. I still had never really had any relationship with a girl ever at 24 years old though i longed for one. Yes i had dates a few times and some flirtations but nothing that ever came of it. So scared of tryingand being rejected of being seen as unable to be a good date or someone to be in a relationship with let alone marry. Even though I wa saddled with all those fears and struggles the desire burned inside to be able to have a real genuine relationship with a girl. These fears i speak of lie down deep inside. I have always been able to joke and flirt and be fun and all that though waaayyyyyyyyy shyyyyyyy when tryin gto do that with a girl i really like. Anytime i wanted to try and move on the desire to pursue something the inner fears and worries just drowned me in incessant selftalk.

I dicovered via the phone and eventually the internet that there were TONS of people in close to the same boat people who felt unlovely undesirable unable to find romance but had a nonstop yearning for it. Sex is a very powerful force. God knows this that has to be why He wanted it kept in certain parameters. Releasing those desires and emotions also involves a neurochmical effect. A *high* occurs from it Im convinced. Sharing intimacy over the phone or in a chat stimulate the same things as in an actual f2f encounter. Maybe more so in some cases since there is no awkwardness over appearance or how one comes across and such. Feeling those emtions, getting accepted romantically and sexually by a girl or guy especially when its something you have longed for and felt it would never happen well wow pretty potent stuff. That is the nucleus of sex addiction to me . It is not a stereotype of being leering perverted drooling sex fiend. For me and I know so many others its a connection to an intimacy desired deep in the soul bit unable to be ignited in the proper way so it is sought out in a fantasy way. Only God and Jesus can satisfy that longing that hole the other will just always want to be fed nonstop never satisfied thats why its an addiction.

Well not sure just what i am trying to say there. Really just was inspired to bare my heart and soul a lil more i think and seek to have God help me to drop whatwever blocks i have up that keep me locked in a maze of my own making that wont let me just live in love as He calls me to. I seek to keep wrestling with Him making that surrender of everything to Him as Lord, help me to do that Lord I need You to help me do that.


At 1:47 PM, Blogger Barbara (aka Layla) said...

please forgive me for being a crappy friend and blog reader.

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Barbara (aka Layla) said...


Thank you for baring your soul like this, it takes courage. I have admitted some of my similar issues and it was very scary to write in public....but worth it. You are so NOT ALONE in this. Mostly I thank you for sharing the why behind the sexual acts....connceting with someone on the phone or internet in a sexual way is rarely about the sex (although that's part of it). Its about the need for connection, the need to feel alive and desired and to have that basic want we all have filled. Its sad that its so easy to find in all the "wrong" ways but so difficult to find in real life. I am glad you are opening up. If anyone dare judge you, then I say to them "lucky you that you can't relate to this, but shame on you for your judgment of something you don't understand"

At 4:23 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Barbara- wow you are a good friend buddy pshaw to your comment above this one hehe i am making another post as follow up I really hope you dont abandon your one blog you share so much that i know touches many and your in the midst of some major stuff right now just my 2 cents thanks so much for what you shared here my friend xx


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