unraveling

Unraveling can be both positive and negative and i think for me it is a combo plate hold the fries (my heart says ty for that one) I feel like different things are hapopening within and without. Some things that cause major stress going on and are not really anything i can control but ultimately God is in control. I really wish I was in the place back in Bible College when i felt like i had it all together theologically and knew the path God had placed me on and i was walking happily along that path. My own confusion as well as my own struggling with issues that had festered inside which i had thought i dealt with by ignoring them just didnt cut it. I am an INFJ and as such have a strong judmental piece of me that is very strong in my entire persoanlity. The funny thing is it has the gavel pointed at me and seems to always be slamming down yelling GUILTY over i dont even know what. I have a very self-critical voice or drive in me that wont let me off the hook ever it seems unless it is a sinful choice then somehow the judge inside seems to want to allow the party so to speak but once its done the cuffs come out again and gulty is the charge no exceptions.

I have wondered before if i am more than a lil crazy. I am able to function well as far as working keeping a place to liove paying bills and all the rest. But internally its like i dont even know how to explain. So much hurt over past pain both done to ne caused by me or just failure to deal with things as i should have. Fear of future and it not bein ganything like what i want it to be or hoped and dreamed it would be. It seems i talk about all the bad painful negative stuff on here as far as myself and i dont do it to be a broken record or a poor me victim or anything like that. I guess its because i am mainly positive outwardly i smile i laugh and joke i seek to find ways to encourage and cheer up anyone if they are hurting or down, This feels like a safe place to let all the stuff I dont feel i can openly talk about with people really or just find it very hard to do for some reason. I have had my death attacjs happen agai na few times , had the thought of a aneurysm bursting in my brain and killing me instantly then i of course try to ignore it and let it pass but then a thougt comes in saying who are you to think that shouldnt happen to you people die from almost anything anytime nothing exempts you from it and ther the cold fear feels like ice in my veins as i wait to see if i suddenly die, Is that crazy??? I think back to once again the fact of my dad dying and how it seemed sudden to me although it was actually a long process he underwent, My mind came up with ways to cope somehow which arent all that perfect. I reacted to his death and ealt with it when i was not a *christian* so i had ways of seeking to cope with death that didnt include God and Jesus as they came to at 16. Why cant i just accept the cold hard reality of drath happening and seeing it as the transition into eternity and being united with God and Jesus forever??? Why and how can I both love/fear God Jesus and the Holy Spirit and desire to be as close to them as can be and in the same breath feel as though i am distanced and kept apart from Him and the intimacy He wants to have because of my own actions or thoughts or because i just am a reject to Him no matter what John 3:16 says and a whole host of other verses .

I have the undercurrent as i post this something God seems to always do somehow. He is there and His love and grace extend. I embrace it and seek to let Him transform me all over again. Hope to hear anything at all you have to share o those who peek in here. This happens to ne my *sitz im leben* right now ------ *situation in life* hope and pray all of you find yours to be an adventure you just want to keep pursuing!!! peace.