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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, January 13, 2008


I have done a few posts on choice and force these 2 topics seem to affect almost every aspect of life. I have been thinking about choice even more lately. Determinism or freewill force vs choice Choice sure has tremendous power, not to mention freedom it provides. Atheists say that God doesn't exist, of course they have been given the freedom to choose that belief. They aren't forced to believe there is no God. God gives us total freedom to choose to trust Him or not doesn't He????

I look back at the Old Covenant, the history of the Israelites. They were God's chosen people, they recieved His protection, His presence and His judgment. So many miracles performed and witnessing Him as a regular Presence with them, relating to them personally as a nation. They were so easily led to rebellion and resisting Him. I think about my choices, how i do the same thing so much. I don't understand myself so often. On the one hand i have a very solid history with God ever since I was young. I was a serious minded catholic but left it behind for a few years between 11 and 16. I realized Jesus was Lord and Savior at 16 and made the decision to accept and obey Him then. i grew to love studying the Bible and spending lots of time in prayer. Loves chances to witness about Him, especially to people who were hurting and wanting real assurance He was real, because that is what i had longed for. O made the decision to pursue the ministry, went to Bible College and sought to form my life by choices that went in line with His will for me.

I let things i had pushed down and ignored surface and affect my choices once I graduated Bible College. I know each day is a new opportunity to change and i guess that is my internal dilemma and what i have been reflecting on. I have let the past control my present and future so much for so long. I have let my hurt and pain i experienced over my feeling ugly as well as the frustration in dealing with relationships cause me to escape into a protective shell where i live in my head. I think I have been an extra-senstive personality type and it has affected my orientation to dealing with life and people. I have always sought to be a peacemaker, a comforter,people-pleaser,keep things calm and under control always. I saw a snippet of a book on bjks blog *inthequiet* called *The Shack* and it really struck a chord. i want to get out from under fears and being passive and holding back, but i have found doing so to serve like a tortoise shell, even though i dont want to hide under there it just has become easier and somehow a feeling of *being safer* under there. I want to choose to break free and choose the freedom of risking love and following Jesus call in a way that is more assertive and faith determined. i have been told alot by people i have known well that i have a deep reservoir of faith because i attempt things that it seems i have no business trying. I still feel so often that I am so weak and overcome by my fears and my insecurities over my self-esteem issues and such. i hope this is making sense and not just a ramble that sounds like drivel.

Choice. I want to choose to love risk and follow after God and fully realize He is the God He declares Himself to be and is the One who makes life what it was created to be. I am always very hard on myself and even trying to write this is tough, I know I need so much to seek Him and ask Him to help me make choices that reflect a growing desire to have deep relationship with Him as opposed to seeking my selfish pleasures and avoid internal pain. So good to read and see so many perspectives and so many people at such different places in their own journeys. I hope this writing continues to be a way to gain greater awareness and willingness to risk and act.


At 7:07 AM, Blogger bjk said...

thanks for thinking out loud....nuthin but THANKS

At 10:50 PM, Blogger Robert said...

ditto becky MUCHAD GRACIAS grande mucho :)


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