control

What a powerpacked punch that little word carries with it!!! Oh how we love to have control. Well,actually at least to some degree and in very specific ways. There are times where we love releasing any and all semblance of control. To just feel that rush where we are caught up in something that leaves us out of control but in a fun way, such as a white knuckle thrill ride or being caught by a huge wave in the ocean, any number of things. God is Almighty. He is the Ultimate Authority and has Absolute control- over everything. He is our Maker,Creator and Lover of our souls more than we can think,know or comprehend.

My mind takes all this in and has total agreement and a wanting to engage Him as He is in all these ways. My heart/emotional core is a lil different. I have images of hurting,pain,loss and damage that plays like a movie in the theater of my mind. We each have our own unique way we experience life and reproduce those experiences in our imaginations. Life really goes on alot more in our minds than we realize it seems, or maybe we do realize it and just have different ways to process it. For varying reasons, some very personal and subjective, I have an imagination that replays the scarier,darker and painful events that happen in life. I also have a tendency to wonder just where God is during all these events. Just how is He present??? How is He involved?? I have sought answers to these questions a long time ago and discovered many that are quite profound and reassuring. Very solid and doctrinally sound, theologically superb. Somehow my heart has still squirmed and wriggled and been uneasy though. Those small crevices where the irrational parts of ourselves reside to deal with the *stuff* that no one really wants to even acknowledge even happens inside us. It becomes an art form to cover that up and bury it, no matter how often it pops up.

I think i have sought in a very irrational way that has no reason to it but is purely on a feeling/instinctual level, to control God and how He works or lets things happen. To control avoiding certain types of pain or getting exposed to things that could cause pain or sickness or hurt. Trying to triple-guess God so i can make a deal so i won't get cancer or a heart attack or brain tumor. Sometimes I used to try to not sleep because i snore and learned that you stop breathing when you snore and i didn't want to stop breathing and die in my sleep. I have had times where i just tried any and every little weird thing in my head to make the possibility of death or sickness or severe pain stay away or be avoided. Of course in alot of ways I might have made things worse by my defense mechanisms but my crazy way of processing things as i did wasn't aware of that at the time.

i have gotten so much good wisdom and encouragement from so many people over last year. i have a lot of books which i believe are answers to prayer about many issues I have struggled with. I want to be able to let Him be in control and trust Him implicitly even though it means pain and death. The key is Hiscall to death actually is the call to life. There can be no resurrection without a death first. Funny how that works. My mind knows the reality of the resurrection vividly. Somehow, my heart has stayed stuck to back at age 8, realizing that death meant my father was gone forever and so life was scary and fragile. The emotions and the possiblities of worse things happening, like losing my mom or sister or who knows what could happen, and happen anytime. I want to let that all go and be able to rest i n the emotional hammock of His resurrection power, love and grace.

It seems so odd to have a struggle with things that in one sense seem like they are so simple and should be as easy to realize as 1 plus1. Funny how certain things aren't that way. It is hard to share some of this so openly in a way because it does feel so , why am i not over this already. But, it is so reassuring to know many struggle with very similar issues and for a variety of reasons. Perhaps for a lot longer in life even than my 46 years. I thank God for all who share their journey, especially the valleys, so the mountaintops can be that much sweeter. As always, please feel free to share anything.