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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Covering Wounds

The mind is such a complex thing. I was looking up various definitions for the heart in a biblical sense online. We tend to separate the mind and heart when we talk, but they really are intertwined, the center of our being that is nonphysical. Our emotions are spoken of quite alot but in reality the mind is how they are reached. When preachers,speakers,counselors and anyone else is speaking and wanting to elicit an emotional response...... the mind recieves the message first. Just a lil something I came across while looking through the net.

We all experience life so differently and yet in so many ways alike. How weird it is that we can feel so totally alone and isolated in our pain and hurt yet discover that many more people are experiencing nearly the same feelings and thoughts, maybe even for many the same reaons. Why do our imaginations and inner thoughts work the way they do??? I sought to become a counselor because I was a good listener and thought i had a personality and gifts that would let that choice be a good one. I have always struggled enormously with math though. I found out statistics was a requirement for Masters level psych majors. I knew i could get a tutor and get other helps, but the thought of going all that way and then not being able to finish because of a block due to math???? I think deep down that worry led me to choose to pursue being a minister. Not to say I couldn't have been a decent minister but the reason for choosing that really has a lot of depth behind it. I had deepseated worries over being able to actually perform rightfully as a minister and as i have shared on here in the past I chose actions that sabotaged my ability to remain as a practicing minister.

I have come across alot of interesting blogs lately. So many with such varying views of God, of Jesus, of the Bible, the Church. So many people in such different frames of mind and yet so many realizing faith is the ultimate option when everything seems like it has become hopeless or invisible to the mind. I have tried to face down my inner demons of fear almost everyday for as long as i can remember. I know and believe what I see as being what God has revealed for me to believe so fear isn't to be a problem. Why then is it still??/ Is it a feeling i will one day be forever free of because God by His Spirit makes it so i never feel it in the way i have again??/ I think I lose my perspective on this at times because I feel like Im chasing my own tail. I have spoken on it so much, i have sought help via others on their blogs and havew gotten some very solid responses. Why is it i make it out like Im not allowed to be rid of it because I haven't had enough faith or repented and been obedient enough??? See why grace is so difficult a truth for me to let myself be clothed in??/ This is the merry-go-round of my mind.

Being a man. I read alot talking about the difficulty men have finding themselves, why men find it hard to go to church. I don't find it hard. I have been involved in church since i was 16. Involved with many other men as well. I have always felt like i was missing something due to my dad dying so young, and not having a real male role model around. I was abused also by older kids for a few years. I have only had a few relationships in all my 46 years. I was engaged and it didn't work out. When I was having my final conversation with my ex-fiancee she said she wanted to raise her boys so they wouldn't be like me. This stung worse than I think she could know, though maybe not. She wasn't talking about my personality or character, but my way of being a man and handling life i think. I have a hard time being assertive. I have a hard time being disciplined or showing that when it is needed. I was a camp counselor one summer for a salvations army camp in malibu. I found it hard to speak with a strong voice and command respect and that they listen to my authority. I think it goes back to the whole confidence thing. In my inmost core I have that voice which says, *you can't have any confidence, those kids won't listen to you, your just a shy fearful unattractive lil man give it up* I'm not writing this as a pity party just something weighing on me and sharing it hopefully will be helpful.

God is good and that never changes. Somehow my ability to realize that and let Him work on my wounds suffers though. I want to let Him heal and do surgery on me so i will be able to use what He has done in me to serve and help others. Thank you all who shafre your own pain,wounds and healing. I hope this was a good sharing.


At 8:12 AM, Blogger bjk said...

It is....follow where HE leads Robert make that choice each and every time......wherever HE takes you...oh and that other voice..it's a LIAR. keep on keepin on man....keep on keepin on.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

I'm so sorry your ex-fiancee said such a cruel thing to you Bobby. Any child would be lucky to have you as a role model. You are kind and caring and there isn't anything more important than that.

At 9:07 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

I can relate to your post as usual. Satan is so cunning and crafty that I think he uses our minds to try and tell us things about ourselves that aren't true. It's so easy to become consumed with those negative thoughts that they run your life. When other people speak ill against you, it reinforces that negative self-talk that is already taking place inside your mind.

When I have days where I beat myself up because I don't feel adequate or because I know my struggles and my limitations, I have to constantly remind myself that I am a child of God. God doesn't make mistakes and that He has a big plan for my life. Tell youself that each day whether you believe it or not. I think God is using you in more ways then you could ever know.

At 9:46 PM, Blogger Robert said...

becky,gypsy and smitty-

thank you so much. You are such wonderful people and so thoughtful and uplifting. I truly ache inside at times over what to say in posts like this one. I don't want to whine or be self-pitying but i do want to be open and real and hopefully let someone else going through something very similar find hope and empathy as well as seeing despite all the paim and doubt and hurt God is still the One who can be counted on and hope and love are ultinately there for us. Good things be yours my 3 fantastic ladies!!!


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