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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

This Ain't No Picnic

Back again fearless readers as we return to the ongoing story of the character simply known as *the boy* This narrator may interrupt at any given moment, just a perk of being so close to the main character lol

Second grade was strewn with challenges as noted in previous post. Third grade only became worse. Mrs Wohl. can see her now, This was the end of the 60's, laugh-in was a huge hit on tv. The boy can swear to the fact this teacher looked like JoAnn Worley, same hairstyle and everything!!!! She had a special sadistic pleasure in making students who got on her badside come move their desks right next to hers and cause them to be embarrassed by her sarcastic comments meant to derive laughter from the class.

Math!!!! HATED IT!!! Always he had a troubling time learning subtraction as well as division. Word problems were also a huge source of anguish. Why did his mind not grasp these concepts like it did english???? English with all its grammatical rules and stuff should have been the toughie!!! Needless to say, math was fought tooth and nail everytime it came up,and the boy still cannot say how he survived it.

His block was a fun one. A huge sandlot behind the other side of the street. Huge woods with a frozen pond in winter as well. Awesome place for any kid to grow up. The boy was one of the younger kids on the block,and found it to be very fun as the older kids liked to let him play with them, almost like a junior mascot. Football,basketball,baseball,field hockey and even boxing. Seldom was the boy indoors except to eat and sleep. Ok and to watchj cartoons and sports. He was always on the go, no wonder he stayed slim and always had a muscular body even when very young. Ah but shyness around girls was his downfall even then, it was fun to get attention at times from older girls. *ok ok stop daydreaming- stay on track* Sorry there readers, onward we go.

The older kids on the block were basically normal. Didn't really get into any serious trouble. Since they were teenagers they were quite curious about sex. They told many off-color jokes the boy knew went over his head. He was a very naive one besides. Sometimes they would take him along as they sat in one of their parents cars,while they boasted of conquering girls with spanish fly and other aphrodisiacs. Of course years later the boy learned spanish fly was a myth. They did create tales that had some vivid imagery though, and the boy had a very wild and picturesque imagination. It wasn't helped by the fact he saw movies that were way beyond what was good for him to be seeing. he did gain a very keen appreciation for the beauty of the female anatomy that would last. *slight chuckle allowed here* Normal curiosity was about to take a swift and dangerous turn though.

The older kids had built a wooden fort in the woods. It was a lil hideout where you could pretend to be pirates or adventurers or anything you wanted. Get inside and it was all barricaded, no one could get in once the opening was shut. One night the boy was taken into the fort. A bunch of the older kids were in there. They looked at him with serious expressions and asked him if he wanted to be like an older guy. of course he was excited they would ask him this and shook his head yes. Then they told him to unbutton his pants and show his pubic hair and penis. The boy went cold. Whaaaaaaaaaattttttttttt??? As stated he was very naive and shy. He felt himself turn red as a tomato and tried to say no he couildn't before the oldest of them told him he hasd to or he wasn't getting out. All the guys in there unzipped their pants and showed themselves. Afraid of waht would happen if he didnt do it he slowly did. That actually would have been a very lil thing had it been all they asked. Unfortunately they then watched as the oldest moved over to the boy, grabbed him and pulled him down, told him to close his eyes and give over his hands. Before he realized what was happening the boy felt something moving against his hands and began to smell a pungent scent. He could hear sounds from the older guy and felt more pressure squeezing him tighter. He ended up having to do this to all the older guys in the fort. Somehow I think the boy submerged the reality of it into his subconscious, or else the shame and humiliation would have been too much to handle.

Another day, not sure the timeframe after the fort incident,the oldest guy and another kid on the block went out into the woods, taking the boy along,saying they would have a lil picnic. The one guy carried a backpack so it looked feasible and off they went. After walking a long ways into the deep woods they stopped. The food was taken out with some soda and they began a picnic. The older one told the other guy to go look for something and that he wanted to take a lil nap. He took the boy and told him to lay down with him. Upon hearing this a warning bell went off in the boys mind. He knew something bad was going to happen, he sensed it. As the oldest one was laying down and taking oof his shoes or something, the boy took off running as fast as he could. He had no idea where he was running to but he knew he had to get away!!!! He heard the cries of the oldest one telling him to come back, but he just ran and ran and ran. After awhile he realized he ha run to the edge of the woods. he was way on the other side of town. It would be a long way back to his block. He wasn't sure even which way to go. Crying and wondering if the 2 were still there somewhere he made his way back. It definitely was not a picnic. This would be an experience that damaged the inner trust and emotions of the boy which had ramifications much later on.

I know this won't be fun to read. i wondered whether or not to write it. I decided to because this is supposed to be my story,and dealing with events that had emotional,psycholgical and relational impact upon me. This definitely did. i had seen that oldest guy as a hero. He had included me in all the games they played and made me feel like a special friend. I know these kinds of things happen and can be seen as *rites of passage* into teenhood and then adulthood. A few other kids a lil older than me had no problems and had no aftereffects of any of it. For me, my naivete and shyness and some other stuff mixed to make it a traumatic experience that had effects on my ability to trust and my own shame and guilt toward myself way down the road. If anyone who reads this somehow identifies or is heloed in anyway awesome!!!! It had a big impact and is why i chose to share. Thank you all who stop by and all who encourage.

3 Comments:

At 3:45 AM, Blogger Tracy Simmons said...

Robert, what a painful childhood you've had. I pray as you write your life out that healing will come and you will be released from all shame.
My prayers are with you.

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger Robyn said...

Oh Robert...my heart hurts for you! I am so very sorry that these events happened to you! I am holding you tight in my thoughts...and wish healing would come fast for you dear friend! Tears stream from my eyes...I feel the pain in your writing...
Hugs,
Robyn

 
At 11:27 PM, Blogger Robyn said...

Robert! You are so welcome...it is me, who should thank you! You seem to have such a gentle soul and you have touched me to my core with your posts (went back and read some later posts). I hope you come around my blog more as I will yours! You in my thoughts my new friend!
Hugs,
Robyn

 

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