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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Round and Round

Had a tough time thinking of a title for this post. I thought of a merry-go-round, round and round it goes. I think merry-go-rounds have been used a time or two as metaphors for life and the living of it. I have had an interesting time as i wrote my narrators story account of various events of my life as a kid. I wish i had a way to become magical and go back in time and be like Jimmy Stewarts character in *Its A Wonderful Life* and eavesdrop on myself, hearing what i said and also somehow intuiting what i felt. Would it make a difference????

I think in my childlike way to attempt to control something I actually had no ability to control I began to identify my fear of death,as though saying that could somehow hold it at bay. I wish i could recall in more detail all that happened the day of my fathers funeral. I recall the major moments, hearing the gun salute he recieved as being a police officer,recieving the flag from his coffin as being the oldest and a son. I want to recall what people were saying,thinking and feeling at the place where we had a get together for family and friends. I used to always hate when people asked me about my father because i had to tell them he died,and because they usually said oh im so sorry to hear that and then that was it. I have really had a hard time recalling very many conersations about death. As believers in Jesus we have the hope of eternal life and death has no power over us anymore, but we have our struggles and insecurities we fight within regardless of that hope.

The Apostle Paul spoke of his life as meaning to be in Christ and his death to be great gain,for then he would be in Jesus Presence. Paul said he had learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance. He believed God was with him at all times, no matter what it might be, good bad or indifferent. Why has it been so hard to accept and believe God would be just as present in death, or any kind of pain and suffering???? Jesus learned obedience by suffering, of course He was always obedient and faithful to His Father regardless whether He was suffering or not. Jesus did not let suffering,pain and death be an obstacle to closeness with God. He honestly wrestled with His emotions as we see in the garden of Gethsemane where He asks God if its at all possible let Him bypass the cross and bearing the sin of humanity. I want to overcome my own emotions and thought processes that try to do anything but accept and face the ultimate reality of suffering and death. it is a weird paradoz how at the times when I was most in a life-threatening scenario like my heart having failure and possibly stopping I was able to stay calm, a definite gift God granted me which I can never express my thanks enough for!!!!!

Part of me clings so tightly to His goodness and grace. Part fears being removed from it. Part fears i somehow have made it hard to take in and wear it as He desires me to. I know He is still answering those prayers to wrestle with me and give me a blessing and a wound, as well as to find that intimacy with Jesus like paul speaks of. It sure is not easy, but it is definitely very very good. Hope you all are good :)


At 6:42 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

Have you ever asked your mother or grandmother the questions you ask yourself about the day of your father's funeral? Maybe it would help to bring you some peace if you were able to put to rest some of the answers you seek.

I wish peace for you always Bobby Bear.


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