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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Birthday Contemplations

Almost past now as the clock makes it way to midnight. 47 wow still feels like around 22 in my head,well sometimes lol Still cannot believe I have 3 years to 50!!! Holy midlife Batman!!! I celebrated on friday and saturday due to various circumstances so today was just nonchalant. Definitely a lil reflective.

I seek to pour myself out here on this blog. It is funny at times to go back and re-read my posts. In a lot of ways I can see how what i share here can come across as so lopsided towards a very serious,fearful and struggling man. I guess I just find this a place of freedom to share all that. I am pretty easy-going and cheerful mostly. I take the bumps and lumps as they come with a smile and carry on. I like to laugh and have fun. i love to make people smile and feel good. I tend to keep a tight rein on the darker areas that i share on here. It would be hard to identify them from outward appearances, but that could be said for all of us to a large extent couldn't it??

I have a friend who has written quite openly about her dealings with relationships and the twists and turns along the way. She is quite bold in sharing the good and bad which makes for very interesting reading and the ability to feel like you get to peek inside of her, very brave and scary at the same time. I have written on physical appearance before. It is and always will be a huge issue for everyone in life, just no getting around it. I have shared in detail how my awkwardness,severe acne and a few other details have left a huge inner scar on my self-image. Even now, though the acne has been gone since i was 16, i still have a hard time not seeing THAT face in my minds eye. Seeing THAT overly self-conscious,ugly,intensely shy and self-degrading image in my head. It really is like there are multiple images, not personalities but images,inside me that have an effect on how i live day to day.

At work, i have all these younger guys i work with. A few girls, also younger. I get along with them all pretty well. I keep up with current music and pop culture to converse with them about, and we always have sports woot woot Some treat me normally. A few treat me as though I am there to be their personal punching bag, making jokes and demeaning remarks, just because they want to. I have always had this follow me going back almost to kindergarten. I send off a signal or vibe somehow that says to bullies * attack me I wont fight back and if i do it wont matter anyway* I don't go looking for these people or this treatment but somehow it always has found me. Then i have ones who treat me for me. For my ability to be funny,caring,encouraging,witty and pleasant. i feel accepted and respected for who i am. So crazy how i can be switched from one to the other in a matter of moments.

Girls. Need i say how my luck has been?? Only a couple girlfriends in 47 years. I tried dating services, went on several dates that were just disasters. My shyness and self-consciousness inhibited being *natural* Many times i have met girls who i just find an easiness being around, very comfortable. Of course they just want to be friends or are already taken. It does hurt inside when you so badly want to find someone to love and be loved by, and yet you feel doomed to ever have it happen because you feel sabotaged by your past. My own fears of rejection and ridicule affect my ability to relax and have any confidence when wanting to pursue a girl i would like to seek a romantic relationship with. No mattter how much anyone tries to act as though these things don;t bother them, trust me, it bothers them ALOT!!!!

Sex is way more than physical acts that lead to intercourse. Sex is soooooooo MENTAL!!! The biggest sex organ is the brain right??? The imagination actually. Even quasimodo,the hunchback,had an active imagination about sex!!!! Holding hands,exchanging a smile, winks,varying signs of affection. Tell me who doesn't want that???? There is a reason why phone sex and cyber sex are si prevalent and its not because people are sick perverts who are unable to control themselves. It is because many cannot find affection and acceptance from the opposite sex, for many reasons, and so the lure of these anonymous seductions is very appealing. No rejection, no negative looks or remarks,no being avoided by or turned away from as though you were a disease. I write this because it is possible to have so much together and be one who has a heart for God and for people, who wants to do good and be a helper and grow more and more ...... but also have areas that are hurt,struggling,dark and crazy even. Many struggle silently because of fear or being judged and shunned if discovered. Sexual struggles are not high on the most sympathized list i would bet right now. They do happen to almost anyone and for different reasons and being able to have people know, and for those people, especially those closest to or emotionally attached ,accept and value you still regardless of this struggle, is one of the most powerful ways for healing and overcoming to take place.

I wasn't sure exactly what i was going to write here. I know i have been deeply touched by so many different people and their sharing. i treasure with all the depths of my being the caring,love,wisdom,exhortation and sharing i recive from everyone out here in blogland. I am seeing little changes bit by bit that happen within that ultimately will show on the outside. I pray God will help me to be vulnerable and risk whatever i need to so i get more so over the next 47 years!!!!

8 Comments:

At 12:07 AM, Blogger Robyn said...

Robert!!!!
I can't even begin to tell you how your post made me feel! I feel as if I WROTE IT! I sit here just bawling...! I want to pick up the phone and call you. Crazy huh?! It is truly amazing how I feel this connection between us as if we have lived the same life, but me, in female form.

I too, remember my younger years in high school. The torument I endured because of my horrible acne and feelings of being a shadow to my younger sibling. I am in a much better place today, some days I should type. But there are times when 'that face' makes it appearence (my 38 birthday...I really had a bad go of it).

My heart aches for you dear Robert, I just want to reach through this monitor and give you a huge hug!

My bestfriend is experiencing this RIGHT NOW. She just turned 40 and is facing the woes of not having someone in her life. It pains me to no end. She wants to love and I want her to be loved. Its not that she hasn't tried, (she done some of the same things as you.) So, it is not from a lack of trying...but her shyness and 'that fear' keeps rearing its ugly head. It's maddening for me...I know what a beautiful person she is. Why can't these men see what I see on daily basis!

But its not like my world is a bed of roses either, though. And I am married. There are struggles that I really can't get into on here but they are there.

Robert thank you dear friend for writing this. It reads as if it came from my own life.
I am so blessed to have found you!
Hugs,
Robyn

 
At 12:16 AM, Blogger Robyn said...

Robert can you email?! I tried your link through your profile but couldn't get it to work! I do have yahoo messenger but somehow I couldn't send an invite!

Here is my email:

grneyedraven3@hotmail.com

Thanks,
Robyn

 
At 3:18 AM, Blogger Tracy Simmons said...

Robert, I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to you. I turned 49 this year and also could not believe the middle-aged-ness of that number!

I know Jesus suffers with you in your loneliness. It sounds so trite to even write that, but it really came up so strong in my heart. He really does suffer with those that suffer, in every way.

Hugs from across the miles,
Tracy

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger Smitty said...

Happy Birthday Robert!

From reading your post over the last year and commenting back and forth, I can see how you are growing. I appreciate your honesty in your blog and your comments on mine. Keep journeying on and enjoy the ride!

 
At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Laura said...

Wow RA, can I ever relate to this blog entry! Thanks once again for sharing so openly.

And....Happy Belated Birthday, my friend!!!!
Many hugs,
Laura

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Ne said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I have missed ya!! I like how you took this and made it into the work of G-D!!!!!

I will be back to read the rest!!!

Shalom!

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Robyn- thank you so much!!! It astounds me sometimes how blogging can evoke such strong connections amongst people!!! I emailed you and will look for you on IM thanks for all you shared my sweet new friend!!!!

Tracy- Jesus sure is right there and He helps every step of the way regardless if we see it at the time. Your last post still is tugging at me inside i need to email you ty for being a beacon of hope and grace!!!

smitty- o I thank you for saying you see growth my friend. We have shared quite a bit back and forth over the last 2 years. I surely see growth and changes in you as well all for the good loving the advnture my vulnerable traveleress :)

Laura- o wow you commented!!! lol so good to hear from you here!!! Thank you for the bday wishes and of course what a wonderful friend you are!!!!

Ne- have missed you as well my friend!!! So cool to see whats been happening for you on your place. I think of you often and how much we share your a great lovely lady and true friend my sweet ne ahavah always!!! xx

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

My heart aches for you Robert when I read about your struggles and the cruel behaviour you have been subjected to and are still experiencing. The fact that in spite of this you are still a warm and loving man speaks volumes to me about the beautiful human being you are.

Happy Belated Birthday my friend. So sorry I missed the big day. Big Gypsy hugs coming your way.

 

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