Birthday Contemplations

Almost past now as the clock makes it way to midnight. 47 wow still feels like around 22 in my head,well sometimes lol Still cannot believe I have 3 years to 50!!! Holy midlife Batman!!! I celebrated on friday and saturday due to various circumstances so today was just nonchalant. Definitely a lil reflective.

I seek to pour myself out here on this blog. It is funny at times to go back and re-read my posts. In a lot of ways I can see how what i share here can come across as so lopsided towards a very serious,fearful and struggling man. I guess I just find this a place of freedom to share all that. I am pretty easy-going and cheerful mostly. I take the bumps and lumps as they come with a smile and carry on. I like to laugh and have fun. i love to make people smile and feel good. I tend to keep a tight rein on the darker areas that i share on here. It would be hard to identify them from outward appearances, but that could be said for all of us to a large extent couldn't it??

I have a friend who has written quite openly about her dealings with relationships and the twists and turns along the way. She is quite bold in sharing the good and bad which makes for very interesting reading and the ability to feel like you get to peek inside of her, very brave and scary at the same time. I have written on physical appearance before. It is and always will be a huge issue for everyone in life, just no getting around it. I have shared in detail how my awkwardness,severe acne and a few other details have left a huge inner scar on my self-image. Even now, though the acne has been gone since i was 16, i still have a hard time not seeing THAT face in my minds eye. Seeing THAT overly self-conscious,ugly,intensely shy and self-degrading image in my head. It really is like there are multiple images, not personalities but images,inside me that have an effect on how i live day to day.

At work, i have all these younger guys i work with. A few girls, also younger. I get along with them all pretty well. I keep up with current music and pop culture to converse with them about, and we always have sports woot woot Some treat me normally. A few treat me as though I am there to be their personal punching bag, making jokes and demeaning remarks, just because they want to. I have always had this follow me going back almost to kindergarten. I send off a signal or vibe somehow that says to bullies * attack me I wont fight back and if i do it wont matter anyway* I don't go looking for these people or this treatment but somehow it always has found me. Then i have ones who treat me for me. For my ability to be funny,caring,encouraging,witty and pleasant. i feel accepted and respected for who i am. So crazy how i can be switched from one to the other in a matter of moments.

Girls. Need i say how my luck has been?? Only a couple girlfriends in 47 years. I tried dating services, went on several dates that were just disasters. My shyness and self-consciousness inhibited being *natural* Many times i have met girls who i just find an easiness being around, very comfortable. Of course they just want to be friends or are already taken. It does hurt inside when you so badly want to find someone to love and be loved by, and yet you feel doomed to ever have it happen because you feel sabotaged by your past. My own fears of rejection and ridicule affect my ability to relax and have any confidence when wanting to pursue a girl i would like to seek a romantic relationship with. No mattter how much anyone tries to act as though these things don;t bother them, trust me, it bothers them ALOT!!!!

Sex is way more than physical acts that lead to intercourse. Sex is soooooooo MENTAL!!! The biggest sex organ is the brain right??? The imagination actually. Even quasimodo,the hunchback,had an active imagination about sex!!!! Holding hands,exchanging a smile, winks,varying signs of affection. Tell me who doesn't want that???? There is a reason why phone sex and cyber sex are si prevalent and its not because people are sick perverts who are unable to control themselves. It is because many cannot find affection and acceptance from the opposite sex, for many reasons, and so the lure of these anonymous seductions is very appealing. No rejection, no negative looks or remarks,no being avoided by or turned away from as though you were a disease. I write this because it is possible to have so much together and be one who has a heart for God and for people, who wants to do good and be a helper and grow more and more ...... but also have areas that are hurt,struggling,dark and crazy even. Many struggle silently because of fear or being judged and shunned if discovered. Sexual struggles are not high on the most sympathized list i would bet right now. They do happen to almost anyone and for different reasons and being able to have people know, and for those people, especially those closest to or emotionally attached ,accept and value you still regardless of this struggle, is one of the most powerful ways for healing and overcoming to take place.

I wasn't sure exactly what i was going to write here. I know i have been deeply touched by so many different people and their sharing. i treasure with all the depths of my being the caring,love,wisdom,exhortation and sharing i recive from everyone out here in blogland. I am seeing little changes bit by bit that happen within that ultimately will show on the outside. I pray God will help me to be vulnerable and risk whatever i need to so i get more so over the next 47 years!!!!