Just Wondering

It's incredible how from day to day or moment to moment so much can happen,both in life and in your own head. Our minds are so extremely intricate. It is astounding how fast thoughts/feelings/desires can zoom through our minds in an eyeblink!!!! I wonder how to compare the speed of light and sound to the speed of thought.

I saw * The Dark Knight* yesterday. It really had a title that fit because the entire tone,theme and feel of the movie was very dark. Heath Ledger as the Joker owned the movie no doubt. Batman was almost a secondary character in many ways. Anarchy,nihilism,existentialism. Deep philosphical roots underlying the movie. I have come across several deconverted christians recently on blogland, an interesting term to me. A few i saw expressed what it was like when they were active christians and now whats it like to be freed unbelievers. They said they felt more alive and able to be themselves, not shackled by guilt over failing to live out an ideal or measurement God placed on them.

Several have also been talking much more openly and freely about grace and its freeing power. Grace sets us free from the law,and the curse of sin. Tracy had a post that i am sure brought tears galore to many who read it by its beautiful expression of just how incredible grace is because grace is a Person. Jesus is grace and truth!!! God IS grace!!!!! I need to read it again and again for I am still walking in the house of mirrors trying to get to the point where the experiential reality if grace touches what i know to be true in my head. Sharing my life story in a narrative style has been a help. So has reading so many people and their journey. But that's just it, it IS a journey and can't be fitted into a formula.

Why are there people who claim they are more alive now that they are deconverted christians??? I want to fathom it. I guess a part of me struggles because I have such a difficulty with my own tendencies to constantly stumble over the same things again and again. There are unwritten expectations i have in me from alot of places along lifes travels. To have fallen down from achieving those expectations has been a constant battle of endless endeavor. I want to rest in grace but i have so much stuff that says *no your just wanting to not do anything and be lazy* or *cant have chaep grace and easy believism get right and be holy and obedient be a mature man of God already* Thoughts like that just echo over and over. It is an odd thing how so many different thoughts and emotions can be inside us all at once.

I have times of doubt, wondering if God is there for real. I think anyone who is alive must at some point. I always come back to the realities of creation,pain and suffering,love,goodness,evil. They all exist, they are all experienced by all of us. If there is no God, how can these things be as they are??? Life, much like God, can be very unpredictable. But not absolutely!! God is not irrational, He is surparational which means He is above it,not against or defying it. To many things happen in this crazy existence of life for me to believe everything happened by a random chance of atoms hitting each other and all manner of what we now experience just evolved. Intelligent Design has that name for a reaon!!! The plants,the animals, humans.... we all have design, How we are made,how we function,how we live. Humans have the joy of free will and conscious choices to make. I think struggling with what kind of God is there and why does He let things happen as they do FOR ME..... is the crux of the matter.

Hope to share more soon just a bit of what has been running inb my head lately. Jesus definitely does not tie things up in a nice lil bow and make life lived happily ever after not this side of eternity anyway!!!! Praise God that in this world we will have trials turmoil and tribulation but that He has overcome the world and promises a better place to come!!!