Highways and Biways

Continuing on with my story of my struggle with sex addiction. I drove back to california, it was a long tough lonely drive, all the hurt of what had happened the laat 2 years just slshing around my head. The night before I left to go to seminary, my church youth group gave me a farewell send off. I had been there since 1978, this was now 1986. I had become a youth leader after graduating high school. I worked with every age, jr high, high school and college/career. This was in Huntington Beach california. In the heart of the OC. Talk about trendy and life in the fast lane lol Most of the families in my church were quite well off financially and the kids reflected this in the clothes they wore. I was not and also did not conform to dressing in designer clothes. Somehow those kids still accepted me and i enjoyed a very unique ministry with them in my time there.

Anyhow, they all wrote me letters of encouragement. Giving me a scripture verse they thought i could use, as well as a memory of me they had and a message for me they wanted to share. WOW!!! Those kids really gave me a treasure i kept in my heart. I often read them over and over when i felt lonely at seminary, I had been sent off in a special way to achieve my dream of becoming a counselor/minister and here I was, shamed and full of guilt and feeling like a total disgrace to all those kids, my entire church family, my family, God. I had been ordained in the midst of what happened at the church I was youth minister at. Sometimes I don't know how God held me together, how I had these conflicts happening and maintaining my ability to function. I made it home, attempted to return again to my old church, but i felt to condemned inside myself. I was not able to tell many the real reason I had come back. I told a few very close friends i felt i could trust. I did not go to church or read my Bible much for a long, long time. I always kept praying, but felt a shadow of shame folowing me no matter where i went.

I decided to try and seek to finish my Masters at my Bible College where i went to, in their Seminary. It was very good to be around my old professors and friends I had for my 3 years there. I felt the sting of wondering if the dean or professors from my Seminary in Illinois would make contact with anyone at my place i was at now, and tell of what had happened there. I never felt quite right. Something happened again. I will share in next post.