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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, September 08, 2008

Highways and Biways

Continuing on with my story of my struggle with sex addiction. I drove back to california, it was a long tough lonely drive, all the hurt of what had happened the laat 2 years just slshing around my head. The night before I left to go to seminary, my church youth group gave me a farewell send off. I had been there since 1978, this was now 1986. I had become a youth leader after graduating high school. I worked with every age, jr high, high school and college/career. This was in Huntington Beach california. In the heart of the OC. Talk about trendy and life in the fast lane lol Most of the families in my church were quite well off financially and the kids reflected this in the clothes they wore. I was not and also did not conform to dressing in designer clothes. Somehow those kids still accepted me and i enjoyed a very unique ministry with them in my time there.

Anyhow, they all wrote me letters of encouragement. Giving me a scripture verse they thought i could use, as well as a memory of me they had and a message for me they wanted to share. WOW!!! Those kids really gave me a treasure i kept in my heart. I often read them over and over when i felt lonely at seminary, I had been sent off in a special way to achieve my dream of becoming a counselor/minister and here I was, shamed and full of guilt and feeling like a total disgrace to all those kids, my entire church family, my family, God. I had been ordained in the midst of what happened at the church I was youth minister at. Sometimes I don't know how God held me together, how I had these conflicts happening and maintaining my ability to function. I made it home, attempted to return again to my old church, but i felt to condemned inside myself. I was not able to tell many the real reason I had come back. I told a few very close friends i felt i could trust. I did not go to church or read my Bible much for a long, long time. I always kept praying, but felt a shadow of shame folowing me no matter where i went.

I decided to try and seek to finish my Masters at my Bible College where i went to, in their Seminary. It was very good to be around my old professors and friends I had for my 3 years there. I felt the sting of wondering if the dean or professors from my Seminary in Illinois would make contact with anyone at my place i was at now, and tell of what had happened there. I never felt quite right. Something happened again. I will share in next post.


At 8:51 AM, Blogger Milly said...

It’s a hard thing to spill your life out for others to pick through. I know that somewhere out there is someone who is seeing their sin in your words.

It’s even harder for those that you think are above all our sins to see them spilled out. I know how shame feels and to try to tell others is very hard. The things my almost X put me through have me feeling that way at times. Finding forgiveness in ourselves is key.

At 1:11 PM, Blogger Robert said...

hi milly- yes it is a very hard thing and the only reason I am doing it is in hopes of helping any who are caught or beat down and feeling hopeless and beyond Gods grace

I hurt for you and what happened to you milly I admire your courage and sweet spirit in dealing with an extremely difficult life event I hope you are surrounded by all kinds of supports who love you and are there for you :)

At 6:47 AM, Blogger OneDaisy said...

I have the utmost respect for you being able to share your story so openly and honestly Robert. Very courageous.

At 4:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hurt is something that we all feel and when it is coupled with shame we feel even worse!!

I am glad you keep your head held high even tho it seems so heavy to hold sometimes...
I am glad that you are here with us to tell us.. I am sure it makes you feel a lil bit better even tho it prolly brings the hurt back..

Don't look forward.. G-d uses us in so many different ways yours is to teach and show people how to over come certain situations that you have been through to let them know there is a WAY out!

My quote I live by is....
"Your Set back is a set up for your comeback!!!"

And you are coming all the way back!!
Love and blessings..

At 5:37 PM, Blogger Robert said...

onedaisy- thank you for your wonderful encouragement!!! have you read any of those books we talked about by chance yet?? Just curious to know if you found them helpful is all!!!

Ne- wow!!! You sure know how to pack a punch of grace in your writing sweetness!! lol AMEN to moving forward in a comeback even after a setback!!! I love how you think ne my dear friend and i love you for the amazing sister and friend you are!!! Ahavah!!! xx


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