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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, September 05, 2008

Secret Shame

Just was over at rwk's place, *daily life in a homeless shelter* and read his post on the book *dirty lil secret* dealing with the porn industry and its inroads it has made into the lives of believers. I didn't want to repeat his title so i thought of something close to it. I have touched upon this area a bit on here in sharing my story. No matter what the motivation or intention, sharing on issues of sex seems to be a very tough thing, unless it's being done in a flirtations,amusing or sensual manner. Reading rwk's post made me hope that the book does minister as i'm sure it is meant to.

I have shared about the abuse I experienced at the hands of older guys on my block growing up in new jersey. I hung around them alot and was witness to the usual stories teenage guys talk about, but they have quite a different effect on a wildly vivid 9 year olds imagination, as well as the fact i saw movies at an age when I really shouldn't have. Graphic erotic images DO have a strong impact upon the imagination I know that for sure. Sex in books or in movies can have a resounding wallop upon your mind and emotions,especially if you are one who has deeply unmet emotional longings for acceptance,affection and love from the opposite sex. I know for me, a very shy teenager who had it exacerbated by feeling totally unattractive and repulsive to girls, the escape from that pain which permeated my life every waking second was like a drug that made it all vanish and replaced it with the lure of a fantasy land where pleasure removed pain.

Pleasure replacing pain. THAT i believe is the lie and lure which revs the nonstop engine of the porn industry. Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and all the others who make a fortune off of sexual imaginations of people don't give a DAMN about the trauma caused in the lives of those who get drawn into the makebelieve world of what they are selling. They just want the profits which make them into millionaires.

I have never been lured by porn per se because i thought it was very badly acted and had cheesy music in it lol Hearing a female voice talking erotcally now that is a whole new ballgame. I had a lot of denial inside as I went through my teen years because of my rejection from girls due to the acne and my shyness which also was a result of that. I kept sex as a fantasy place i visited at night in my own imagination pretty much, for it sure wasn't going to happen in real life. I discovered the mirage of phone sex when I had graduated from Bible College and was removed from an environment surrounded by friends and people who cared about me and were supports. Hearing a sexy voice talking as they did was like getting a shot of heroin and immediately experiencing the high, well that is how it was to me. Just like with a drug though, the high wears off and you want it back again, and you want it quick!!! It became a dirty lil secret i had, for I was a youth worker who had just gotten my Bachelors in youth ministry and was wondering if i was going to go to seminary or what. Not something you tend to bring up as a prayer request in a small group um yea.

As I have shared a lil before, I went to seminary and ended up getting hired at a small church in a lil town in Illinois. I loved the people, loved the kids and the chance to serve. My inner demons of insecurity lurked though and reared their ugly heads. I stayed in a house the church owned when I went down to be there for the weekend from school. It had a phone. I recalled the phone sex lines i knew from back in california. My temptation arose and hung in my mind, I bit and called the line. Over and over and over. (I am not sure how many times. When the church got the phone bill and found out what the numbers was to, i was asked to resign.

I ended up going to counseling as a result of moral probation. I had to go before the dean and some professors to give account of my actions. I tried to explain the addictive nature and how my insecurity led me to seek escape via the calls. They listened but I never recieved any support or encouragement. It was like ok glad you are repentant and will seek counseling lets put it behind us. i don't think they knew how to deal with someone in this situation on a personal level. I don't think alot of people do.

i share this hoping it can touch anyone who may experience a similar struggle right now. I also want to push away the stigma and shame, showing i am a normal, well ok at least semi-normal lol guy who has areas of life which make this a struggle. As rwk said in his post, this is a dirty lil secret which has been snaking along into families and lives for a long time now, and has done so because it is something that most seek to keep secret and have shame about. I have more, but hope to have feedback on what everyone thinks. I thank God He has helped me to reach a place where I feel ok to share like this and even do so with my usual bit of humor. Thanks for listening and caring all !!!


At 4:26 AM, Blogger Tracy Simmons said...

Robert, so many men struggle with this issue. Good for you for "coming out of the closet" with it. I think exposing things to the light is a great step.

At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So many people face this, including women... Some people never deal with it and it comes out later on.

This post will help others that are addicted to this see they are NOT alone in this!

Where you were Not getting the support you are now giving it..

G-d Bless You!!

At 10:25 AM, Blogger karen said...

As usual, Robert, your transparency makes you so very loved here.
Thanks for sharing, and for your honesty. God loves you so much...so do I, my friend!

At 12:04 PM, Blogger Robert said...

tracy,ne,karen- wow thank you special wonderful ladies soo much!!! So hard to post this stuff attimes, afraid of appearing so foolish and strange. I DO hope and pray being real and transparent can remove the cloak of secrecy and shame that permeates inside believers who are so scared of being abandoned and rejected for even having such struggles. Love you all with the love He gives!!!

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Milly said...

You will help others.
I have been in a marriage with a man who had those false ideas of sex because of porn. He doesn't see it and may never.

It and his other issues have led to our divorce.

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Robert said...

milly- huge hugs to you and so sorry this happened in this way Men are both in denial and fear over this. I have more to sharfe whicxh i hope will help to bring freedom and remove shane and pain which makes it go even deeper inside. Healing and hope comfort you as you need milly.

At 3:16 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

You are very brave to put yourself out there Robert and to admit to something you feel shame for. It probably wasn't a good thing to do while you were in a house owned by the Church however you weren't hurting anyone by what you did. It involved only you and a consenting adult who was doing her job. The only thing I see as "bad" if you want to put it like that is it didn't quite gel with what you did for a living.

You're a lovely and wonderful man Robert and don't let anyone tell you different.


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