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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Where have You Gone Simon and Garfunkel?

*The Graduate* great movie, helped launch the career of a gifted actor named Dustin Hoffman. Good movie, greater soundtrack. If you heard it, you catch where the title of my post is coming from. *where have you gone joe dimaggio, a lonely world turns its heart to you* well i sure hope the last part is right. lol should have checked the lyrics to be sure first. Anyhow, I LOVE Simon and Garfunkel!!!! They represent more than just music to me, they represent an awareness and attitude towards life and the meaning of it that transcends genres of any kind. Sounds of Silence, I Am A Rock. Those 2 songs speak to my soul at a depth i cannot put in words. I feel the emotions stirred as i type this. Somehow, those 2 knew of inner emotional pain and loneliness that happens, even when you are surrounded by people, even people who love you and cherish you.

I have always been a very easygoing, cheerful and funloving person. I am thankful to have a temperament that is like the waves in the ocean. Just flows and moves, not affected by things in a way that causes me to get really riled up. Usuallly!!!! There are always exceptions lol. I do feel things very deeply though, and plunge various painful emotional memories and hurts into the deep abyss of my inner core. I was actually a cute kid from about 4 to 12. I can look at pictures and slides of myself from that time period and laugh seeing that yes I was a curly blonde-headed, frecklefaced cute kid. i say this because from age 13 on I felt so ugly and actually became ugly for a time, due to severe acne. Somehow, even though i can look at myself and say i was cute and had lots of people tell me so, my *inner voices* said otherwise. *too clumsy*, *chews like a cow*,*runs funny, like a waddling duck*,*squeaky voice*,*cant do math dummy*, *needs a special ed teacher to tell time and do math dummy*, *big baby cant stand up for himself* On and on and on. Those are the messages that rattled around inside my mind ,that still do to a large extent. I share this because i was touched by a friends post at her place on selflove. This sucks right now to be trying to writr and focus and feel the pain of those messages. Still.

I want to have more *self-love* I know i have grown alot over the years. Just a mess to me i could be 47 and look back and see how hard it has been to truly have it in the way its most needed. I was talking to my mom the other day, about how i was tested and found to have the reading comprehension of a 16 year old when i was just 8. I told her i wish i had the emotional comprehnsion instead. Jesus said blessed are the poor in spirit. I truly hope so!!

Sometimes i wish i were a rock or an island, feeling no pain. Listening to silence my old friend, good to hear her once again. But I care about people and their pain and do not want to be isolated that way. I do, yet i dont. I am quite able to hide my inner pain and be cheerful around others. On here its like reverse, sometimes i think i hide my cheerfulness because i am always revealing my pain I guess because i hope i connect with others who feel and do the same. I truly have and i am grateful to the point of tears for that!!!! We need more Simon and Garfunkels!!!!


At 7:00 AM, Blogger Becky said...

you are meant for more.....

At 7:25 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

Ah yes...Simon and Garfunkel are true wonders of the music world. I love Bridge over Troubled Waters and Bright eyes, in fact, as morbid as it sounds, I want Bright Eyes played at my funeral.

It really pains me to hear that you think/thought of yourself as ugly, in part because of a group of people with cruelty and hate in their hearts.

You have a truly beautiful soul, heart and spirit and that's what I always see when I think of you Bobby and that's the gospel truth.

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Milly said...

Most of us thought we were less of ourselves. As we get older there seems to be those who are willing to tell us we aren't good enough. The key is to believe in ourselves and let Jesus show is how worthy we are of Him.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Robert said...

becky- thank you

gypsy-yes true legends indeed and I ditto those words of yours about your sweet self absolutely!!

milly- so true, it is a daily process to do just that

At 9:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WE NEED THEM RIGHT NOW!! please send me the Lyrics!!

So many cruel people that the adversary seems to use to tear us down to nothing....

My flesh is week.. but I have a G-d That stand so strong for me!!
man I can just see and feel your pain because that is where I have been!! But through those fires that we go through we come out pure as refined gold!!

I wish they could see us now!! hahaha
p.s. next time pass around the tissues when you blog this deep!!!



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