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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Inner Cries

I just wanted to make a post that is like free flow just let go what comes up within make it a bit more spontaneous So good to be able to post. Sharing painful occurrences is healing so much all at once God is always here but alot of times I let my focus slip and somehow He seems less here. I want to keep growing, I want to just curl up in a ball and hide I want to let go of me and the incessant cries I have inside

Why does life have to have so much hardship??? Trials cause growth and endurance and character. Solid answers mentally don't equate to solid answers emotionally. Death can happen anytime anywhere to anyone. Why did that cancer get inside my dad when he was 18??? i understand the reasons of pain and suffering, still have sought to out-think, out-smart and out-play it I don't want to be a survivor i want to be an accepter and lose myself to find myself. My mind runs a thousand directions at once. God knows all this and He still loves me!!!!

OK I have shared a good deal of the pain that occurred in my past due to sexual sin. Quite a lot of sins are *acceptable* within the circles of the Church, sexual ones are not in that category. It was extremely difficult to seek to enter into social relationships that had existed before this occurred and to see the changes that happened after. I lay no blame here, I just am stating how it was and in many ways still could be. Those who engage in sexual sin often feel like a scarlet letter is written on us that everyone sees and that is a constant reminder of our moral collapse and failure. There are always consequences and repercussions to actions taken, deservedly so. The aftereffects that go beyond the natural results are often deadly to the spirit and soul. I speak of the internal self imposed judgments here.

No one could cast any harsher aspersion or lay down any stricter punishment upon me than i have to myself, trust me on this. My biggest battle to date really is forgiving myself. I think for anyone, and this goes way past sexual sin, but ANY sin that truly causes deep shame and guilt. Hope is still alive though!!!! King David, a man after Gods own heart, as God Himself declared. King David committed adultery and murder. He suffered severe consequences, YET he held the hope God had given him. He repented and was renewed by God within his spirit. God never gave up on him.

I still struggle daily. I slip and fall at times. I most likely will until my dying day. I write this right now to any who believe they have blown it and all hope is lost. ITS ALIVE!! God still loves you!!!! God knows all your weaknesses front and back, He always did and He always will. Jesus died and paid the price for ALL your sins, that means PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE!!!! HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS IS YOURS!!!! It does not depend on our works or how obedient we are...... it has all been done by HIM!!!! I hope to expand on this more, as i think how we discover our freedom and hope has been misconstrued in alot of ways and i want to reach out to those whom this is true for.

Inner Cries- Let me bask in what You have done Jesus!!!! AMEN!!!


At 4:16 PM, Blogger Milly said...

I’m sorry about your dad I have a friend who lost both parents as a child without a doubt it makes a mark on you. That’s what life does.

I can also tell you that some can be healed from an addiction and others will struggle but the longer you can go without this demon the easier it is.

It is healing to talk about it to others in the blog world for one easy reason you don’t see faces you only read replies. You are helping others without a doubt and I’m praying that you are helped along the way.

At 6:31 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Milly- oh thank you sweet friend!!! I really deeply appreciate your prayer support i know you have given me!!! Thank you for being so encouraging milly!!! I do know what you mean about how resistance and discipline helps lessen the power of the demons bit by bit. You have a delightful place on your blog and I pray He leads you along with closeness and tenderness in all you are dealing with as you carry on with life. Please visit anytime milly!!!

At 9:57 PM, Blogger jennypo said...

"...the Lord gave me a picture of what seemed to be a crime scene investigator and his partner digging for clues relating to a crime. It was a dark, wet night, and this man wore a trench coat and hat. As I looked closer at this movie playing in my mind, I realized that the investigator was actually digging for inconsistencies in the personal testimonies in the lives of Christians, to expose them to the world. A closer look still, and I realized that it was actually my life that he was digging up, trying to expose my inner-most thoughts, intentions, motivations, and actions. As he continued to dig further to expose these areas, my heart began to race with anxiety, knowing that what he uncovered would be “out there” for all to see. How embarrassing and humiliating this was going to be when he successfully uncovered what I had successfully hidden for all these years. Continuing to observe him, I noticed him becoming increasingly frustrated with his dig, until finally he threw his shovel to the ground, looked over to his boss, and said…”Sorry Chief, there’s nothing here but Jesus.”

- Read this not long ago at http://shepherdman.wordpress.com/2008/06/09/a-mini-movie-of-grace/
I, too, am so thankful for the delightful rest there is in Christ, who is all that I am not. He alone is a human, pure and holy. When I am sick and tired of the view from my own heart, how refreshing it is, to turn my eyes to Him and know that He is all God sees.

But how much more thankful I am that he is not content to leave me with only his memory - he is working everyday to change me into what he is, and someday I will be like him. And even though I won't achieve perfection here, any fault I SEE in myself I can allow Him to change. I am not bound up in the ugly weakness I see in my own heart. Oh, praise to our Great God, who both came down, and hauls us up out of our own muck! Him I will worship, to Him I owe all.

At 6:14 PM, Blogger Robert said...

jennypo- As i told you at your place thank you!!! God looks at us and sees Jesus, NOT our filth and dirty rags wow!!! I so always appreciate anytime you share here with me!!!


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