Inner Cries

I just wanted to make a post that is like free flow just let go what comes up within make it a bit more spontaneous So good to be able to post. Sharing painful occurrences is healing so much all at once God is always here but alot of times I let my focus slip and somehow He seems less here. I want to keep growing, I want to just curl up in a ball and hide I want to let go of me and the incessant cries I have inside

Why does life have to have so much hardship??? Trials cause growth and endurance and character. Solid answers mentally don't equate to solid answers emotionally. Death can happen anytime anywhere to anyone. Why did that cancer get inside my dad when he was 18??? i understand the reasons of pain and suffering, still have sought to out-think, out-smart and out-play it I don't want to be a survivor i want to be an accepter and lose myself to find myself. My mind runs a thousand directions at once. God knows all this and He still loves me!!!!

OK I have shared a good deal of the pain that occurred in my past due to sexual sin. Quite a lot of sins are *acceptable* within the circles of the Church, sexual ones are not in that category. It was extremely difficult to seek to enter into social relationships that had existed before this occurred and to see the changes that happened after. I lay no blame here, I just am stating how it was and in many ways still could be. Those who engage in sexual sin often feel like a scarlet letter is written on us that everyone sees and that is a constant reminder of our moral collapse and failure. There are always consequences and repercussions to actions taken, deservedly so. The aftereffects that go beyond the natural results are often deadly to the spirit and soul. I speak of the internal self imposed judgments here.

No one could cast any harsher aspersion or lay down any stricter punishment upon me than i have to myself, trust me on this. My biggest battle to date really is forgiving myself. I think for anyone, and this goes way past sexual sin, but ANY sin that truly causes deep shame and guilt. Hope is still alive though!!!! King David, a man after Gods own heart, as God Himself declared. King David committed adultery and murder. He suffered severe consequences, YET he held the hope God had given him. He repented and was renewed by God within his spirit. God never gave up on him.

I still struggle daily. I slip and fall at times. I most likely will until my dying day. I write this right now to any who believe they have blown it and all hope is lost. ITS ALIVE!! God still loves you!!!! God knows all your weaknesses front and back, He always did and He always will. Jesus died and paid the price for ALL your sins, that means PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE!!!! HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS IS YOURS!!!! It does not depend on our works or how obedient we are...... it has all been done by HIM!!!! I hope to expand on this more, as i think how we discover our freedom and hope has been misconstrued in alot of ways and i want to reach out to those whom this is true for.

Inner Cries- Let me bask in what You have done Jesus!!!! AMEN!!!