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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, September 13, 2008

No Easy Answers

Definitely none here. I thank all who have been so encouraging in comments and emails as well as silently in thoughts and prayers. This battle has been being fought underground for far too long. There are some strong ministries in existence which are geared toward helping heal individuals and families. My hope is to help anyone who may feel to filled with shame and guilt to even attempt to go to one of the ministries for assistance. It can be a very tough thing to feel judged or scorned by others, it really is far worse and nerciless when it is carried out by yourself upon yourself!!!

As I have discussed in many posts along the way on here, I have alot of varied influences and events which helped to form areas of pain and immaturity in my emotional and relational development which combined to create a space of emptiness into which the lure of sexual fantasy took its stranglehold. I think my story in many ways can be shared veryu similarly by many other men and also women with life issues that mirror those which I faced.Sexuality and how it develops is so much of a mixed bag in american culture. Sex is *used* by almost every institution in existence here. Our lives have been molded into such a fast paced frenzy by pressures of career,performance,competition and making a way to just eke out a living. I say this not as a way to make excuses, but to give comprehension as to just how one can ger caught up in the whirlwind that sexual fantasy becomes.

I think by encouraging discussion and open sharing, genuine dialogue of root issues which lie at the core of our selves and why we feel sucked in by the false promises of porn, which I use as an umbrella term for sexual fantasy as a whole. Many who are involved in the *business* of sexual fantasy are simply shrewd moneymakers who see a way to easy riches.Others get involved for personal reasons which may or may not lead to an addictiveness which slowly destroyes self-esteem and relationships. Every one is unique. The catch is also that usually a neurochemical reaction occurs via the lure of the fantasy. Sex in in the mind, and a seduction occurs much like that of one using drugs,alcohol or gambling. Enticement and desire begins as a small fantasy idea deep in the mind and it begins to grow, till it becomes a fullblown ritual which ends in the acting out to fulfill the desired want the mind and body pursue to get that high.

I want to also say that I am NOT seeking to appear above the fray as yet. I still struggle. I am figbting the war daily and I believe i will till God takes me into eternity. I hope that is viewed as encouraging and not as defeatist. I am not in anyway wanting to be a hypocrite, although i have my share of hypocrisy in various ways due to certain actions I take which go against conscience and faith. i admit that fully. I just believe God knows me through and through and His grace will lift me up no matter h0w often i fall, and will continually lead me to become more mature and strong in His love and mercy. The kindness of God leads to repentance, not the wrath and anger which so many of us tend to superimpose upon ourselves when facing our sins we battle. I praise and thank God He has used so many people as His tools to help me stand up and realize my life is not lost in the dungheap due to my fialiures. I thank all of you for reading and sharing here. Anyone who would like to talk privately my email is magicgenie32@yahoo.com. I pray fervently that anyone who needs hope will be helped by my sharing and the love shared by all who comment and pray. Thank You!!!


At 6:56 PM, Blogger Milly said...

praying for you as you find the courage to write

At 11:15 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

I hope these brave and heartfelt posts you have written really help someone else in pain or in need. I'm sure they will.


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