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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Further Down the Highways and Byways

I found a job pretty quickly after arriving back home in huntington beach california with my mom. It was so surreal to be back after almost 2 years in Illinois. I lived my life on both coasts- New Jersey and California. I ALWAYS had mountains and the beach. UNTIL......... central Illinois UGH!!!! I used to stop and tell myself i wasn't dreaming, that I really was living in the middle of nowhere, tiny towns and flatland FLAT!!!! I liked it though.

A few months after being at my job, we were all told the company was in severe financial trouble and in order to stay solvent had to lay off half the company, which included me. I began working as a temp to stay afloat financially. I always checked the paper to scan the want ads for jobs, when i saw one for a dispatcher. I always liked the phone and thought it would be a fairly easy job so i went to apply.Once I got to the place and went in, I knew it was a bit *different* Pictures of semi-naked girls adorned the walls. I tried to avert my eyes and just look at the floor as i awaited the supervisor for my interview. In walked this guy looking like david lee roth and sounding like a sufer valley dude and he said- *well I guess you can tell this place is a lil different* DUH He said, the job is a phone sex dispatcher. *mouth drops to floor* Whaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttt???? My mind went a dozen different directions, and soon I was taken into the office and given a *tryout* I sat at a desk in front of a computer and 10 cubicles were on either side of me, with girls taking calls from people wanting to talk to one of the girls. My *job* was to take the caller info, then call a girl at her home whom I would describe the *fantasy* to and tell her to make her call, then call me back when done. It was easy, brainless work.

As an aside, the place i worked had full-page ads in Hustler Penthouse and a bunch of other adult magazines. They had photos of girls who were supposed to be the girls they talked to on the phone. BZZZTTTT Nope. The girls who actually DID the calls were just normal people, not sexy models or strippers. The company was all about money, however they could get it. They used to sell videos and even various articles of lingerie to willing buyers. They also got a lil politically involved, sending out brochures telling their customers to fight for free speech protection. They didnt care about anyones right to free speech, they cared about getting everyones money!!!

I initially took the job out of sheer curiosity and intrigue. So what really went on behind closed doors in this whole deal??? I talked to all the girls who did the calls on the phone, and many of them told me they really liked my voice and wouldnt mind talking to me outside work hours. Well, for a guy who felt unable to connect to women due to insecurities and past rejection for being unattractivem this felt like becoming Romeo or Don Juan!!! These girls actually liked and wanted to hear MY voice??? wow!!!! That was bait that kept me on the hook for awhile in that company.

I was going to seminary again at my old Bible College. Weird thing was, the phone sex company was just a few blocks away from the school!!! Crazy eh??? I did fairly well in my classes, but my heart was heavy. I knew I should not be working there, and i was again digging the hole deeper of what caused my pain and shame which i had left behind in Illinois. Somehow I could not let go and break free from the hold my fantasy desires had on me. I went to the school dean and told him I needed to drop out. He tried to change my mind but I had made up my mind. I had taken my Bible with me to the job, to do homework, and that sparked some interesting convos. I felt like the prodigal who could not get up out of the mud with the pigs. I was stuck in my own quicksand and did not know how to get out. God and Jesus must have had their heads bowed in disgust and dismay. This fool had tried to be a minister??? PLEASE!!!! That truly does sum up the way my imagination filtered how They must have felt. I was fired from there a . lil over a year for unknown reaons, it was a huge relief!!!

Pleasure to escape pain. Hmmmm sure seemed like i had it all twisted. My emotional immaturity never felt so blatant in how the allure of hearing females in ecstatic p;easure were a constant lure, as i felt so unable to manage to carry out a true intimate romantci relationship,apart from any aspect of sexuality involved. This is another deeper area of the shame. I think for men who may be in relationships, even marriages, where they feel unable to give what they believe is needed for their gf or spouse. It rips apart my guts and my manhood to admit this felt inability. I pray it helps others who also may feel this, i pray God continually heals me of this deeply felt hurt and shame. Thanks for listening.


At 3:33 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

It's incredible how our needs can lead us to all kinds of places that our heads are telling us not to go. But the heart wants what it wants and you are no less of a man for admitting that Robert.

I think you are incredibly courageous for bringing this to a public forum in the hope of helping someone else but then I've come to expect that from you Robert and that's what would have made you a good Minister. You care about others and you have a heart as big as Texas. If anything, I care about you more than ever after your revelations.

Big Gypsy hugs for you my friend. You truly are a rarety.

At 5:28 PM, Blogger Robert said...

O Gypsy love-wow you should have warned me about what you would say so I could have gotten my kleenex ready!!! :) O appreciate your caring thoughtful words and you more than you could kjow my sweet friend. It is a scary thing to lay all this out there and wonder how it may be perceived. I cannot waste what I went through by not seeking to be of help and service to anyone else. You are always a true inspiration by your heart and spirit and gusto for life my lovely lady!!! Huge hugs for you always sweet one and I hope your health just improves more and more each day allowing you to use that boundless energy you have inside!!! xx

At 8:53 AM, Blogger karen said...

God is using your journey as a ministry. Thanks for being so open, brother!

At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW!! This is something to share with the world and you are right this did remind me of the Prodigal Son! I am glad I know the outcome of this story!! :)


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