Painfully Aware

I wasn't sure just what to entitle this post. I love surfing around other blogs and finding gems and jewels put forth by so many different people!!!! Blogging truly is a smorgasbord isn't it??? YUMMY

I have discussed the details surrounding my struggle with sexual fantasy as a way to avoid pain and escape what I felt was a tough situation. I intend to share more in further detail about the whole arena of what lets such a struggle foment inside. Here on this post i want to lay forth what i believe were the crux of the matter for what led me to act out in a way that was an escape. A painful self-awareness is at the root.

I have been a somewhat shy person overall. I am not shy to the point of being a mime lol but shy enough. I blush very easily and have been victim to those who delight upon finding ways to cause this *human tomato* response to occur for the amusement of any and all in the vicinity. I have had this happen over my height,chew,walk,run,skin and a number of others as well. I never quite learned the secret of overcoming this embarrassment response to teasing. I found it especially excruciating in jr high, which i think can be viewed as the closest thing to hell on earth by many.

When I was hired as the youth minister at the small church in Illinois i was nervously excited. I knew it was a huge opportunity and a giant responsibility. I was hu7mbled by the act of the church leadership giving me a chance to lead their kids into growing as believers. I got several chances to preach as well which was awesome. Teaching, preaching and working with the kids in those settings was all good. The sr pastor told me he wanted me to go the local jr high and high schools and visit with the kids, try to build relationship there. That TERRIFIED me!!!!! I was taken back to my own jr high and early high school years. I did not see or feel myself the man i now was seeking to minister to kids. Nope, I was the 13-16 yr old kid who felt like he wanted to hide in a shell because of constant torment and teasing about my appearance and self-consciousness. The more i thought about going to visit those kids at their schools, the more insecure and anxious i became. I thought about telling the sr pastor i just couldn't do it but i was brand new on staff and felt i would be undoing one of the things i had been hired for. So, my way to escape the misery to come was through the phone lines. A lil different from getting drunk or high but ended up with the ultimate end result.

i know in my next job, as a youth counselor for troubled kids, my anxiety rose as I was faced with needing to perform in some ways to lead and help control and change those kids and lead them into more mature development. I felt my own insecurities as I had tried to navigate my own maturity amidst the problems i had of feeling so alone,rejected and unable to get over my own hyper self-awareness. Phone lines were my escape hatch once again with terminal results.

I don't know why I did not wait and seek Gods way in dealing with these tensions then. I don't know why I have had my bouts with a blend of performance paranoia, perfectionism and a seeming inability to let His hugeness overcome all the fear and pain inside. Hopefully, I am learning that He is far more patient and understanding of me and all my *stuff* than i have ever been. A verse says that God's kindness leads us to repentance. I know this so well for everyone else, I truly want to know it for myself and embrace it fully!!!