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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, October 13, 2008

Letting It Happen

I read a post by a lady which spoke of confidently confident. She was making the point of being confident about your own inner confidence. I was intrigued by this. I am finding that my sharing openly about various genuine troubles i am having with people and within myself have aided in bringing about a growth of confidence inside me. Imagine that!!! I just want it to continue :)

It is weird how the past can become so prevalent in the present. There are areas of dysfunction inside me that i cannot but believe harken back to a very young age. I developed these dysfunctions way before coming to an informed faith in Jesus. I think i have maintained a tendency toward *magical thinking* even now. I can cite some examples. Whenever I feel a pain in my chest or head, I worry it may be a heart attack or a stroke or tumor. I put a finger on my temple to feel my pulse there and just hope somehow it will be ok. I can get crazy thoughts out of nowhere, like all of a sudden thinking death might happen, no one knows when they will die, it could happen, no escape better accept it. I was in a safety committee meeting today and we watched a video on defribillators and how to use them, which is a huge thing for me as i have a heart condition. I found myself worrying that maybe i would have a heart attack right there as we were watching and would I be able to live???

I have had these kind of thought attacks for as lon gas i can recall. Sometimes I lose my grip and get a lil emotional, though i do my best to maintain control. The emotional pain is what drives it. I seem to have a hard time emotionally being able to put aside the fear of bodily and emotional pain and how it might worsen and i don't know or understand how to respond to it??? I have the double whammy of wondering to myself why I don't just have a peace as it happens and focus my mind on Jesus love and His presence and all the truths that Scripture speaks of about walking through the valley of the shadow of death and fearing no evil.

There are times when His presence and His love and grace are just so vivid and real to me internally as well as in my mind. What is the ultimate root that causes me to let fear outrank Gods love and grace??? As i type that sentence I wonder why i am not in a psycho ward because I would do anything and everything to tell anyone who was asking what i ask, *trust God, trust Jesus, They are exactly who They say They are and They will take care of you even if you feel like your in agony of body and spirit* I KNOW THIS!!!! But when it comes to accepting it I have these barriers that i am not even sure of what they are. I know of some friends who experience a similar experience. Am I wrong in thinking that i need to be completely free of fear and have a total inner experience of peace in dealing with the reality ultimately of my own death??? I hope in sharing this I find a growth towards the answer i seek. Does any of this resonate with some of you????


At 7:12 AM, Blogger karen said...

Yes, it does.
This morning I got a call from a friend and pastor, Mike, who's daughter and grandchild(ren)--don't know if both kids were in the car, were in a car accident; we're all so scared. Waiting for his call, on my knees. God told me everything would be okay. Will it?

Yesterday, I was asking God why we suffer so much, in such pain. Why? He said, my Son suffered, too. I said, well, at least He knew what was going to happen!
God said, "So do you."

At 10:25 AM, Blogger karen said...

"God told me everything would be okay. Will it?"

It was. He said so.

At 5:54 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

Years ago I lost a friend at the age of 26. He died very unexpectedly and it took me years to get over the suddenness of it. I couldn't get away from the "here one moment, gone the next" mentality. It made life feel so tenuous sommehow. After a very long time, I finally started to overcome the fear that it would happen to a family member or even myself to a lesser degree. Every now and then though, the fear comes back and it really is very hard to deal with in a logical way, not unlke most irrational fears.

I do hope you will find a way one day as it must be terribly difficult to live with the constant fear of wondering when or if it's going to happen.

At 3:56 AM, Blogger Awareness said...

hi robert.

i've been thinking a lot about fear this week from something my friend Pip wrote on his blog. He was asking if there are only two true emotions.....love and fear and that the rest of them fall under their umbrella.

Fear can be debilitating as you know from your own struggle....the anxiety it can produce makes one feel electric....both physically and emotionally shaken to the core, especially when it happens in the middle of the night when the terrors kick in.

Fear is also very much needed to survive. So is love. Unconditional, sense of belonging love.....

We can live without either. It's trying to find the balance in both...our behaviours and actions seem to me to be our best attempt at finding or responding to love and responding or dealing with fear.

where to find the balance........??? that's the mystery sometimes isn't it? All forms of self discovery are needed.....we must just keep taking one step at a time on our journey knowing we are secure in God's love (cause HE loves every single one of us with as much passion!!) and knowing that He equipped us to be able to with curiosity, determination, brains and hearts to carry on seeking peace in our souls and amongst our fellow human beings.

oh, i'm rambling this morning. Stare those fears down my friend knowing that you are surrounded in love. :)


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