Man O man

I wonder sometimes about what being a man really means at the ultimate core?? I wrote in my last post about yet another incident at my job where I am on the recieving end of bullying. I hesitate in writing these posts because a big part of me feels like I am making a big to do about nothing talking about bullying by 20 something guys in a workplace to a 47 yr old man. I have an ongoing debate within myself. let it go, its just normal clowning that guys do, what's the big deal??? The other side says, they need to grow up and besides its a workplace. They shouldn't be acting like that towards a coworker anyway. it's not jr high anymore, they need to know it won't be tolerated.

Even typing that feels dorky in a way. I have often struggled with my identity as to what kind of man i am due to being raised mostly by and around women and having a more passive temperament. What makes it even odder for me is that i am a big guy. I am 6 ft and very muscular in my upper body, a teddybear tummy and solid lower body. i am very strong, have won arm wrestles more often than not, and have always enjoyed physical roughness. My voice is alot like mike tyson i na way though. No i dont sound like mike with that squeaky type voice, but i speak very softly and always have. I have had people say how can such a big man have such a soft voice??? LOL I blame this largely on my hearing problems i have had due to many earaches when young which make it impossible for me to tell the loudness of my voice. It does get a reaction from people though, they seem to read soft voice as soft person it seems.

I have sought to speak to and reason with the bullies I have encountered over the years. I cannot count the number of times I have had almost the same convo with the 2 guys who act this way at work. I tell them they cross a line when they joke in a way that is a putdown, and its disrespect. They counter with that they are joking and i should just let it wash off me. I tell them obviously i dont matter as a person to them and they try to say otherwisem but their actions betray their words.

Having this happen over and over again throughout life, just by changing characters, has left a scar inside to be honest. That phrase, * To love others you must first love yourself* has eaten away at me for years. I seek to love others. I am usually positive,cheerful and upbeat towards almost everyone. I have been told by so many that I have made them smile and have been a good person to know. Yet, I have the history of being the human punching bag for so many others from grade school till today. I have tried to stand up different times, but I tend to get nervous and lots of times my eyes tear up, my body shakes, i tuen red and my voice cracks. This tends to sabotage my attempt to overcome the attacks sent my way.

i cherish the words of wisdom and support from friends and others on here. Some touch me so deeply. I just am torn about why I have had this struggle. i guess it boils down to a self-esteem issue again. Why have i let myself feel so down on myself for so long. It has way more roots than my struggles i shared recently. It goes back to how i felt when very young, again partially the overprotection of my grandma. Partly my feeling like I could not stand and be strong internally. This opens a deep deep can here. Why does stuff that should have been dealt with at age 5 or 6 have to be so tough at 47??? Stories will start soon!!!