Untangling

Quite a white winter wonderland in portland Oregon right now. We do not get snow like this except in the mountains usually, I am sure all you folks in the north and midwest would laugh loud at seeing how people freak out over snow here haha. I have been seeking to think what to write on lately.

I write from my heart on here, whatever it may be, and usually in regards to issues i struggle with. I in no way consider myself an advice-giver or anything like that, but I do love to be of help in any wayu i can and if sharing my life experiences and tough times can in any way be used to comfort,bring a smile or a nod of agreement or anything at all helpful then i am jazzed as i can be!!! Writing openly about my areas of struggle and growing have been a good process for me,and even more so as i have had positive feedback from many people, some who never have commented on my blog but just came by and read a post ot 2.

There are all kinds of things that can become addictions. Money,shopping,work.exercise,food,alchol and sex. We find something, or sometimes many things in childhood that fill an emotional hole in us, especially when we don't have God filling it up.I know for me a combination of things worked together to cause a hole in my emotional inner space. My grandmas overprotectiveness, my dads being so sick and dying young,my own tendency to be highly sensitive. A book called *Love Hunger* which specifically focuses on food addiction also relates to addiction of any kind. Low self-esteem,which is the beginning of an emotional deficit, is felt as pain. To get away from the pain you seek out something that will relieve it,mask it or just bury it anyway anyhow. This can be drugs,alcohol,sex whatever happens to work for you. The things is that although the thing does act as an anesthetic to the pain, it also becomes a way to continue the pain because it reinforces your self-destructiveness because it reminds you of how you acted out in ways that cause guilt and shame. So it becomes a vicious neverending circle that is like a bunch of dominoes falling. On and on it goes, so often even despite a vast amount of knowledge we have to the contgrary because we havent learned to transfer that knowledge into emotional relating which fills us and removes the emptiness. God and Jesus are ultimately the only Ones who can fill the hole, but They don't just do it in a magic way and even longtime believers can find themselves caught up in this cycle.

I want to share more personally in a few posts to come but wanted to lay groundwork on where I am coming from. For me I have so much self-condemnation because I became a minister and was ordained, making a pledge and ultimate commitment to serve God and others as best i could. Yet here i have been having this addiction which fights against the very pledge i made and want my life to stand for, especially in eternity!!! I have times where it is sheer emotional agony and then the giving in is done to escape the agony which once i have done it spurs the agony which spurs the desire to escape and you get the picture.

i have a precious friend i met on here who has been so good to care and work with me to deal with these things in a relational way which is so good. I hope to share in ways that help me to let myself free myself as He leads me to take in His grace and love which He never ceases to give in spite of my sins and areas of unbelief. I hope this makes sense and ultimately is an encouragement to any and all. I know and believe God is good despite parts of me that seek to make it otherwise. I hope and pray He helps me to be able to share and transform in ways that enable me to reach out and love,extend grace and hope to anyone i can. Merry Christmas indeed to all!!!!