If God be for us

There is a second part to the subject of this post. *Who can be against us?* That verse is meant to be a source of strengthening and encouragement I think, but it can spiral off into a deep abyss of pain if taken the other way. Low self-esteem, deep emotional pain. These are what many psychologists,counselors and theologians would say spark the descent into addictions as a means to relieve,remove or somehow obliterate the pain, problem is when the addiction activity ceases the pain never leaves. What if...... you wonder if God be for you??

Battling fear has been my hugest hurdle in life I think. I experience it more acutely now as I bring it to the forefront on here and in my prayers and meditations to God. My fear splits into different parts. I fear going through some kind of severe pain and death as my father did to cancer. I fear God is displeased and must test me because i have let the aforementioned fear be a factor in my life. I fear I have committed the same sins over and over too much with all the various lessons and challenges i have experienced as a result of then, but somehow still have clinged on for some reason. The Bible speaks out so strongly on sexual sin. I fear because I look back and see how I chose to surrender to sexual sin as a way to get something i felt could not be gotten any other way because of my fear of rejection and feeling unable to find a girl to build a relationship with and marry, because ultimately i would be abandoned.

I had an atheist roommate as i said before who called me the best example of a christian he knew. I sought to minister to kids in my church, to serve as a leader in my church and at school and just in my life as a whole, and all the time i had this ongoing addiction to sexual fantasy and behaviors that fueled it. My fear of death is linked to this because I think i feel deep down I am judged unworthy by God because of failing to fully repent and overcome these sins. This is my deepest gut understanding of my struggle as it exists right now. With all i have learned and experienced all these years of being committed to God and following Jesus, why in heck do i still cling to stuff that He states go against His desire and will for following Him??? Is comp;ete and absolute repentance possible??? Do we fall and repent again and again until we find a place where we just finally have had enough???

I was looking at sites via google about *attitude of faith* and how we are to have a deep realization that God is for us and always has our best interest in mind and uses trials and troubles to prune us. How is that true if He created some of us to be lost because we are not the *elect*???? A huge amount of people, even respected theologians, hold to this belief of limited atonement. I do not on principle, but it drives me crazy thinking *what if* I go round and round in my mind wondering maybe i don't overcome these sins because God is not for me and i am a reject for whatever reason, but then i go back to its my hardness of heart failing to grab onto His love and grace and cease these things and take responsibilty and mature as He desires. Round and round it goes.

Helps to share here. I want to mature and move on as He desires me too, I want to surrender all my laziness and whatever other *stuff* i place as a sabotage as my own worst enemy. Please share as you wish. Hope is a very good thing.