early hurts

It is anazing how parallels do seem to happen within blogland. Finding many who post on similar themes from their own unique place in life. i find hope and meaning from reading the stories of others, no matter where they are coming from. It's a small world after all rings so true the more I wander around the blogosphere. I have my own addiction struggles and am seeking to share the underlying events and occurrences which led me towards my prpensity for the things i find challenging.

I have a sensitive and inwardly self-conscious nature. I find it easier to stay within my own head and venture out to sharing myself when I feel it to be safe or somehow ok to do so. I shared some behavioral effects of my nature in my last post. I experienced what to me was rejection and ridicule from people based on who I was as opposed to just how i looked or acted, the interpretaion which i think caused me to turn to escapes from feeling unloved and unwanted. I was ridiculed for my hair, for my voice, how soft it was and stuttering at times. I had to wear a dunce cap in school a few times and was singled out as needing *special help* because i was called out of call to go to a learning disabilities teacher during class which let every other kid in class know where i was going and why. I went to a summer camp for 2 summers in a row and had my counselors call me *spaz* and other names and even encourage the other kids to pick on me for being awkward and clumsy and shy. I tended to be unable or felt unwilling for whatever reason to stand up for myself when i was bullied, and so I was an easy target for bullying in my neighborhood and at achool. Wetting the bed at a friends house on my block as well at camp did not help much to build confidence.

I look back at these things and just see how I took it internally. I know we all live through these and many other experiences in childhood, just how life goes. i am just seeking to put together a schema which helps me make sense out of my way I handled these things and the low self-esteem which fueled them into taking on deeper meaning in a negative way than they should have. I hope this makes sense to all who read and can show how a pattern or inner belief can generate about myself that stayed under wraps. I hope to post more soon about the struggles currently going on and what contributes to them. Hopefuly i can write in a way that blends emotion with rational thought and understanding. i think sometimes I *play it safe* and write in a sterile fashion as opposed to raw and unrestrained passion of the pain and hurt as well as the encouragement and hope i have achieved as well. Being able to blog is such a joy and reading all the lives of so many people is just fantastic!!!