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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, January 03, 2009

early hurts

It is anazing how parallels do seem to happen within blogland. Finding many who post on similar themes from their own unique place in life. i find hope and meaning from reading the stories of others, no matter where they are coming from. It's a small world after all rings so true the more I wander around the blogosphere. I have my own addiction struggles and am seeking to share the underlying events and occurrences which led me towards my prpensity for the things i find challenging.

I have a sensitive and inwardly self-conscious nature. I find it easier to stay within my own head and venture out to sharing myself when I feel it to be safe or somehow ok to do so. I shared some behavioral effects of my nature in my last post. I experienced what to me was rejection and ridicule from people based on who I was as opposed to just how i looked or acted, the interpretaion which i think caused me to turn to escapes from feeling unloved and unwanted. I was ridiculed for my hair, for my voice, how soft it was and stuttering at times. I had to wear a dunce cap in school a few times and was singled out as needing *special help* because i was called out of call to go to a learning disabilities teacher during class which let every other kid in class know where i was going and why. I went to a summer camp for 2 summers in a row and had my counselors call me *spaz* and other names and even encourage the other kids to pick on me for being awkward and clumsy and shy. I tended to be unable or felt unwilling for whatever reason to stand up for myself when i was bullied, and so I was an easy target for bullying in my neighborhood and at achool. Wetting the bed at a friends house on my block as well at camp did not help much to build confidence.

I look back at these things and just see how I took it internally. I know we all live through these and many other experiences in childhood, just how life goes. i am just seeking to put together a schema which helps me make sense out of my way I handled these things and the low self-esteem which fueled them into taking on deeper meaning in a negative way than they should have. I hope this makes sense to all who read and can show how a pattern or inner belief can generate about myself that stayed under wraps. I hope to post more soon about the struggles currently going on and what contributes to them. Hopefuly i can write in a way that blends emotion with rational thought and understanding. i think sometimes I *play it safe* and write in a sterile fashion as opposed to raw and unrestrained passion of the pain and hurt as well as the encouragement and hope i have achieved as well. Being able to blog is such a joy and reading all the lives of so many people is just fantastic!!!


At 5:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

blog on, my friend.

At 10:28 AM, Blogger TROLL said...

You are cordially invited to participate in a new Troll Report Bible Meme. And you can invite others who might be interested. All views welcome.

At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those adults who added to your pain as a child by belittling you in front of your peers and encouraging bullying should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. They are the ones who should be feeling as you do...as if you are not good enough. YOU, my friend, are bigger and better than those people and I hope you always remember that.

At 5:43 PM, Blogger Milly said...

Keep telling us I'll keep listening.


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