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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, December 29, 2008

beginning strands

We are shaped very early on as to the nature of our personality, or so the major research says. We all a very intricat blend of flavors, some more dominant than others. I can think back to various things which were influences upon the way i perceived myself and others and the way *life* worked. I know i was more sensitive and inwardly focused even from a very early age. This was fostered by my paternal grandmother who lived with our family and was a constant presence around me as my mom and dad both worked as well as my dads illness with cancer. She was an alcoholic and had a huge tendency to overprotect me as well as being nervous and somewhat paranoid of other people and life in general.

I had many earaches between 1 and 4, which affected my hearing and which impacted how i heard my own voice. I was always big for my age but quite clumsy and uncoordinated. My hair was extremely curly and grew into an afro if let to grow to long. I had a stuttering problem. i had flatfeet and this caused me to have a waddle when i ran. I had a very tough time telling time and learning to tie my shoes even into 2nd grade. I had a bedwetting problem that was ongoing into the 4th grade. I almost failed kindergarten because the teachers thought i was too emotionally immature to go into 1st grade. I know I was the object of teasing and being messed with in school because i made an easy target apparently.

I say all these things as a way to lay groundwork as i process all the factors which contributed to my feeling so vulnerable inside and having a hard time coping, which led to escaping the pain of my emotional weakness and susceptibility to others teasing by getting lost in fantasy. I somehow had a very solid aptitude for reading,spelling and english, even having a 11th grade comprehension level at reading when i was ion 3rd grade.

This is not seeking to victimize myself in any way, just placing a microscope on how life evolved for me and how i came to certain ways of seeing myself and life and ways of dealing with it. I have always tended to bury feelings and thoughts within myself. I have been very capable of sharing my thoughts and feelings with everyone,but I have alot that I don't process because I just suppress it deep down. Hopefully as i write *out loud* on here i can get a better understanding of ways to challenge and change myself which i hope for always. I definitely hope my sharing touches those who read and is a help and encouragement in one form or another.

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