beginning strands

We are shaped very early on as to the nature of our personality, or so the major research says. We all a very intricat blend of flavors, some more dominant than others. I can think back to various things which were influences upon the way i perceived myself and others and the way *life* worked. I know i was more sensitive and inwardly focused even from a very early age. This was fostered by my paternal grandmother who lived with our family and was a constant presence around me as my mom and dad both worked as well as my dads illness with cancer. She was an alcoholic and had a huge tendency to overprotect me as well as being nervous and somewhat paranoid of other people and life in general.

I had many earaches between 1 and 4, which affected my hearing and which impacted how i heard my own voice. I was always big for my age but quite clumsy and uncoordinated. My hair was extremely curly and grew into an afro if let to grow to long. I had a stuttering problem. i had flatfeet and this caused me to have a waddle when i ran. I had a very tough time telling time and learning to tie my shoes even into 2nd grade. I had a bedwetting problem that was ongoing into the 4th grade. I almost failed kindergarten because the teachers thought i was too emotionally immature to go into 1st grade. I know I was the object of teasing and being messed with in school because i made an easy target apparently.

I say all these things as a way to lay groundwork as i process all the factors which contributed to my feeling so vulnerable inside and having a hard time coping, which led to escaping the pain of my emotional weakness and susceptibility to others teasing by getting lost in fantasy. I somehow had a very solid aptitude for reading,spelling and english, even having a 11th grade comprehension level at reading when i was ion 3rd grade.

This is not seeking to victimize myself in any way, just placing a microscope on how life evolved for me and how i came to certain ways of seeing myself and life and ways of dealing with it. I have always tended to bury feelings and thoughts within myself. I have been very capable of sharing my thoughts and feelings with everyone,but I have alot that I don't process because I just suppress it deep down. Hopefully as i write *out loud* on here i can get a better understanding of ways to challenge and change myself which i hope for always. I definitely hope my sharing touches those who read and is a help and encouragement in one form or another.