paradox of pain and pleasure

pursuing one thing and getting another, or having things turned upside down from the usual norm, that is paradox to me. Trying to avoid pain and engage pleasure has often times caused the opposite to occur. I love movies, always have. I go with my mom every other saturday and we see 2 movies, this is our *social fun time* we established as a tradition for us many years back. I love when movies surprise as well as when they touch me deeply or make me think deeply and in an indirect way as opposed to smothering me with their point.

I had a counselor tell me once he thought i was more afraid of girls than death, which i found quite stunning. In thinking about it i see why he said that though. I have experience4d alot of rejection from girls, and also flirtatious attention which i did not know how to handle since i was so used to feeling undesirable and therefore unwanted. When I went to jr college i had times where a few girls showed genuine interest and i went out with a few of them, but i always felt uneasy inside, as though it was somehow a dream or mirage sonehow and would end any second. My mind ran nonstop worrying if i would know what to say, how to keep their interest, how to make sure i was doing whatever i was supposed to do to be worthy of them or whatever. Craziness sheer craziness.

I think this fear stems from seeing my mom lose my dad to death and never remarry or even have another relationship. I think she was inwardly terrified of having it happen again and so she insulated herself from falling in love again. I think i have a subconscious fear of loving a girl only to end up losing her and the heartache involved in that. i made an attempt by getting engaged 10 years ago but that was really a mistake from the start. I think that fear is what has made the phone and computer so compelling for me as way to interact romantically with girls. I can exude all my personality and not worry about how she is thinking about my appearance. It has been very interesting though that after sending my pic to a few girls i have met online, their response was a very positive one!!! If only I could go to australia and find a sweet saucy lil mate lol Just a lil plug cuz i so love australia!!

I did want to make on comment regarding a certain subject. Masturbation has been such a taboo topic, especially for christians. I have talked to so many people, both men and women for whom it has been a source of guilt shame and pain. I know a few who attempted suicide over their guilt about it. I had many guys when i was in bible college and seminary tell me it was the one huge hurdle they really battled with in life. I know all too well the basis for it being a sin and lusting that goes along with it. I seriously think, along with cussing and smoking, that it is way lower on Gods totem pole of serious sins than is given attention to in the church and by people overall. I mean, studies show we all think about sex an awful lot throughout the day. What is worse, 2 people having consensual sexual talk or actual sex where a totally unwanted pregnancy can very likely occur?? I say this not in any way to support masturbation as being something we shoud all just engage in and go whoohoo but to see it in a realistic way and chop down responses that hurt us far worse than the actual act itself.

Do you ever find in pursuing pleasure you experience pain or vice-versa???