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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Still More On Force and Choice

I wrote on these 2 elements a few times a couple years ago. Just astounds me how they interplay in so many fabrics of our lives. Some other terms can be synonymous with them. Determinism and freewill??? One way or another these 2 are poles that initiate a response on our parts. We can be forced to choose, and we can chosen by force. Our birth. We are created by a choice a man woman made to come together in pure intimacy and we enter the world as a result of being chosen to be created. When health issues occur, financial and relational, often times it happens forecully. We don't choose to have severe health problems or lose our jobs or suffer crises with family and friends many times, although sometimes we do make choices which cause this to occur.

I want ti apply this theme to my ongoing ordeal with fear and faith. I have seen fear as a force that just happens to me many times, not something i choose. I really focus on the feeling of fear in saying this, i guess thoughts as well though. I have been doing routine things at times, driving in a car, watching a movie, working. All of a suden i get a thought that something could be really wrong with my body and i might die or come close. My body reacts by feeling anxious and having anxiety attack symptoms, and my mind reacts more by worrying and trying to make it somehow go away or be handled in some way. Almost everytime the thoughts/feelings pass shortly. I have no idea why they happen suddenly as they do or what makes them cease. The thing about them that pains me the most though is why i fail to just focus on God and Jesus and Their protection even in the midst of any pain,trauma,hardship or any other trial. Why does fear grip me and i become irrational and unnerved in how i cope while the experience is occurring??

Their are various schools of thought theologically speaking. Calvinism and Arminianism are the 2 best known, as well as subcategories of those 2 which do not necessarily have a name to go by. God defines Himself as Love, He is perfect love and thus casts out all fear. At the same time, He has carried out some terrifying actions upon people such as in the Old Testament and on Job. In the New Testament we have ananias and sapphira falling dead after lying to God about money. The book of Hebrews says *it is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the Living God* Proverbs states the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Fear has a place. How does it get removed though??? I have battled and struggled with fear in various forms for almost all my life, influenced by the effects it had upon adults who were very close to me when i was very young. Why would i or anyone who faces a similar struggle, hang onto fear and not let it go???

Choice. I think about the Isrealites. God used moses to lead them out of egypt and slavery. He displayed His power and glory many times in miraculous occurrences to show He was a God of His Word and able to perform as God. Yet, they turned to idols and sought to go back to egypt and be slaves when they faced some difficulties. How in heck could they possibly do such a thing??? Choice and freedom were SCARY to them, even with God right there in their midst!!!!! I like it when i have readymade choices for me as opposed to choosing on my own in many things. I feel uneasy about how i handle choosing and freedom alot. I guess it links back to an approach to life i developed way back when. I have had alot of experiences where i made choices and took risks, thank God for that lol, but they were almost never easily made.

God is always present. God is love. God is good. My mind totally believes and accepts these as true 100% My emotions disagree, which end up influencing my mind it seems. Great pain and suffering of any kind cause a questioning of Gods love, of His goodness and greatness. I think perhaps those issues are why some people cease to believe in God or acknowledge Him in any way whatsoever, other than to use Him as a cuss word. It's funny how even atheists will use His Name or Jesus when they cuss, why not choose any old word of something they actually believe is real??? Just a lil aside there.

The more i wrestle with these things the more I am drwan in to certain truths i always come back too. God created existence and life in such a way that pain and suffering,force and choice are all a huge part, as well as love. God Himself chose to experience what we experience by Jesus becoming human and going to the cross where He died in our place. Jesus, He is who makes sense and comfort out of the difficulty which pain brings us. Jesus is not an answer to a question or a puzzle or a problem. He is a Person. He feels thinks understands and fully relates to EVERYTHING we face until we die. May I believe Him more and more, choosing to accept anything and everything life brings my way and my own weaknesses and failures as well as my strengths and call to live in freedom because He IS!!!!

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