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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, January 23, 2009

Pain First

Then healing can happen. That is the way it works right?? Our bodies lay proof to this in how wounds and bones heal. I tend to lay out the pain on here as best i can, hopefully in a communicative way, so as to assist anyone who may be going through something smilar.Blogging is a great thing in that it can reach into the mind and heart of people in a way perhaps nothing else could in the same way. It is awesome in how it can redeem painful choices and foolish ones as well as the good and healthy ones made.

I have been reflecting more on the complexity of my struggle with fear and all the stuff related to it. I can see how my inner tendencies I developed early on, coupled with making choices which followed those inclinations, combined to get me into the place i find myself internally in a lot of ways. My grandma heavily influenced me as i have said before. I do not say this to lay blame or am excuse or anything of that sort, merely to state things as they truly were in reality. She had a certain frame of reference in how she dealt with life and i think i sucked in various aspects of her emotional and relational attitudes into myself. She was very overprotective and made me feel i didnt know enough to take care of myself, that i needed protectors because i was emotionally fragile. i speak here of how i adopted this from her not in a conscious manner but in how i reacted to and faced life as it happened. I can think back to many things that happened, many that happen to us all in some way or another, but because of my predisposition to feeling weak and helpess and needing the help of others, i went along with that style of relating when difficulties happened. i have a hard time trusting my own judgment and instincts and look for approval from others to validate my own decisions or feelings. I have dealt with this over time to a large extent at various times but i am seeing the tendrils of it as an approach to difficulties in life in a more clear way than before.

Death happens to all of us. It can happen anytime in any way from anything really. Not a fun thing to contemplate. For some reason i let my mind become awash in this idea of death out to get me because of my being weak emotionally and combining with my dad dying at an early age. I accepted a belief about myself that i was damaged goods at some time early on, Again this was not a conscious known accwepted belief, but i think i came to it as a way to process experiences which hurt me deeply and left me feeling insecure and not knowing what to do with how i felt. My grandma, my parents, friends and classmates or any other influences did not determine me in thinking this way or feeling this way. I somehow came to this assessment myself and have always struggled with it eve since at my deepest inner being.

i really hope this rings true with others, just to hear that I am not just off on some strange idea which only i have been dealing with. I sense changes inside, small ones, slowly happening but changes nonetheless. i can only thank God for people on here!!!! Change can be soooooooooooo slow, especially of the emotionally wounded variety. I DO want it though!!!! I want my wantingness for it to grow stronger!!!! I want to accept whatever it is i need to do as God leads me to do it and accept His grace and love as opposed to shying away and feeling as though i have been to messed up for Him. I need to tell myself to take a hike with those thoughts and feelings as they surface you think??? SIN DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!!! Sin does not define anyone!!!!! This message is so crucial to my healing because i think i have let it do so deep down and especially due to my struggle being addictive and dealing with sex, just makes me feel like i have to view myself as damaged goods until i completely overcome it all. Craziness. God is good!!! You people rock!!!!! I hope my words can keep flowing and be helpful to any who could use them :)


At 5:09 AM, Blogger Aphra said...

It's early in the morning here, so I'm not sure how coherent my comment will be!

I think the point of sin not defining us is a good one. I think we humans have trouble with wrestling with all of it. But maybe that's the point of being human, that it's a lesson that we need to learn. Just wish it was an easier lesson :)

Just before I read this I read an article about Ted Haggard facing more allegations of wrongdoing from the same time in his life that he was disgraced. The past won't leave him. A hard lesson.

When I think about death, it scares me because I don't know what the next life will be, but when I actually came close to dying (when my son was born) I wasn't worried at all.

I think I overthink everything.

At 3:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am glad you can feel small changes in yourself Robert. Big or small, they all make a difference to the overall picture. More than anything I would love to see you released from this constant round of fear and be able to truly enjoy the wonderful things life has to offer. That is what I wish for.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger Ms Hen said...

Hi thanks for visiting my Blog. Barbara is a sweet kind Mom. (hugs) to her.

Would you like to do a LETTER...??

I am selecting the letter 'B' for you to write 10 Things (but only if you want to do so).

Another blogger was the one who gave me the 'I'.

I love the honesty of people who Blog.. people relating to others in this world.

Betty Ann


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