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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, November 15, 2009

How To Trust

Just in a whirlwind internally lately. So much swirling inside my head and heart and trying to know what to do. I have sought to make this blog my place to share vulnerably and openly, even thought it may be repetitive alot. I so love the fact that there are so many blogs of all kinds that can be explored by anyone and everyone and have interaction and feedback so quickly.

I haven't seen the movie *where the wild things are* but in reading reviews of it i am sure it would hit home to me. I know it is about an 8 year old boy with anger issues and who is introverted and has a hard time with life. I am 48 but 8 was a pivotal year for me because it is the year my father died. I have referenced this many times over my blogging life. I think losing a parent is always a hard thing for anyone at any age, because of the relationship. I thought I had answers for all my fears and my struggles to live from a mature place as opposed to the immature child place emotionally and relationally. i might need to write in story form about these things as it seems to flow easier and not so stilted.

I trust God,Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe the Bible is Gods Word. I am committed to living for the kingdom of God, all this fully in my head. i ache over why my heart/will has battled to live what my head knows to be true. The commands to have faith and obey scream inside me, and I wonder how I can have been the places i have been in life and be struggling with trusting God as i do. I don't want to have my fear of death as i have said so often but it is there. I read so many blogs, books,hear sermons. Some point to a way where repentance is done in such a way that Jesus life and the power of the Spirit just naturally flow and life is transformed. Then i see ones where emphasis is on our weakness and brokenness and Jesus accepts us aswe are, so weak in faith and obedience and He leads us in our weakness to know His strength.

Paul talks about his struggle to do the right thing and so often do the wrong thing. This from a man who saw Jesus in a vision and who was ultimately one of the most devout followers of Jesus ever. He said he fought with himself and sin daily. I go through this everyday many times a day. I sit and pray for God to let me be free from fear and to live in trust and obedience to Him. My mind and heart just wait to have Him answer in someway. Sometimes He gives a sensing of His presence. Other times there is nothing felt, but I believe He is there. I just don't know how I fall on His scale,and maybe that is the problem in alot of ways. Everything is level at the foot of the cross. But what level of faith and obedience is needed??? Is it an accomplishment or is that not the way to take it. Does everyone in their own way battle these same issues???

I just am wanting to break out of my own head in all this. I had so many people pray for me while i dealt with my heart trouble, and i felt those prayers!!!! I was able to rest in a quiet confidence that God was taking care of me through all those prayers. I want to be able to just let go of all my frustration at myself for having struggled with fear for so long, as opposed to bein gat some standard that exists somewhere inside me. I just have to write these things out as opposed to keeping them all in my head. I hope to hear from anyone, any thoughts that come to mind. I am continually learning to trust.


At 7:06 AM, Blogger Becky said...

asking myself when do I move in what I know instead of being constantly frozen by the unknown....

At 7:26 PM, Blogger karen said...

I understand the struggles and the frustration over giving in to fear. A few of us were discussing this today....older we get, we hoped to lose some of that fear...let go and let God. I don't know. I guess it's just part of the journey. I thought I would not walk in any fear at this age...it seems to get worse...but then the rebounding to God gets deeper after each fall.

At 5:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was rather interesting for me to read this post. Thanks for it. I like such themes and everything connected to them. I would like to read more on that blog soon.


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