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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, May 04, 2010


Balance is tough to come by in many ways, for me anyway. Just like moderation ya know. All things in moderation. Tough to remember and do when you are just desiring a lil more icecream, a few more cookies, a lil bit more pop,and well yes food is a toughie there lol. I so very much want balance in my mind and my way i treat myself and then live out what and who i am. I know probably if anyone went back to 2005 and scanned this blog over the years it would tilt and lean wayyyyyyyyyyyyy in one direction -the struggle,pain,aching and hard side. I guess i tend to write on those themes so much because as i have said before, I dont share them really except for inside my own mind and to God. Sometimes when talking to a close friend or a counselor, but that is always censored to some extent.

I was googling about emotional immaturity and found some sites that spoke to me. One said that children who experience a major trauma, like losing a parent, can become stunted developmentally and emotiuonally at that age. It made me think, because i was 8 when my father died. Do i really have a lot of internal emotional makeup of an 8 year old??? The whole being stuck on fear of death made me think in ways possibly I could. As I have shared numerous amounts of time on here, fear of death has been a constant shadow as long as i can recall. It is not a rational fear because i believe in God and Jesus, yet a whole slew of things gets all jumbled in me concerning it all. I have had some good meditative times at night lately. God seems to help my mind function better at night in this way. Accepting the reality of death and how Jesus makes it a nonissue as far as fear goes is my focus. That all goes awry though when my mind goes off on ideas about failing to have enough faith/obedience or failing to have been a good enough servant and many other things. i want to be like Solomon in Ecclesiastes where he speaks of a time for everything. Let God be God and not chase nor strive after the wind. Balance.


At 12:58 AM, Anonymous mariam said...

I think that it is true that children that suffer a major trauma can get stuck at that age. My daughter was sexually abused when she was 12. That was bad enough but it took place when my husband was being treated for cancer and those 2 things happening at the same time just stopped her in her tracks. Really she has been spinning her wheels ever since. It seems as if, no matter what, she can't move forward from that place of fear and horror. My daugher is an adult now but seems like a young teenager in many ways. The very sad thing is the fear of moving forward - of being successful. Whenever my daughter takes steps which would result in her claiming responsibility and adulthood she usually sabotages herself by making herself sick - either through her eating disorder, compulsive physical activity or something else.

I wish I could give you some advice about tackling your fears and putting them behind you but I haven't been able to find the magic words for my daughter either. You have the advantage of God, but Robert you sometimes turn Him into another fear. That's not the way it is supposed to be. God should not cause a paralyzing fear in the repentant believer. You have asked for God's mercy, love and forgiveness and you can be confident that He will not withhold these things from you. As I have said before, if Calvin was right about God there is no point worrying. There is nothing you can do about it either way and if you are not "elect" you will be in good and vast company.

Maybe each time your mind goes to fear you could say out loud something like:
"There is no fear in love" or "I do not need to fear evil because the Lord is with me" "Northing can separate me from God's love." "In God I put my trust - I shall not be afraid.". Or consciously say to yourself, "I am kicking this fear back to where it belongs" and then do something active and positive - like some physical work. Then give thanks that God has blessed you with the ability to do whatever it is.

I don't know whether this will work but I think fear will always overtake you if you don't face it head on (with God's help) and send it packing.

At 3:46 AM, Blogger Aphra said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog- I have been working an awful lot so I haven't been commenting or writing so much but I always read your blog!


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