Balance

Balance is tough to come by in many ways, for me anyway. Just like moderation ya know. All things in moderation. Tough to remember and do when you are just desiring a lil more icecream, a few more cookies, a lil bit more pop,and well yes food is a toughie there lol. I so very much want balance in my mind and my way i treat myself and then live out what and who i am. I know probably if anyone went back to 2005 and scanned this blog over the years it would tilt and lean wayyyyyyyyyyyyy in one direction -the struggle,pain,aching and hard side. I guess i tend to write on those themes so much because as i have said before, I dont share them really except for inside my own mind and to God. Sometimes when talking to a close friend or a counselor, but that is always censored to some extent.

I was googling about emotional immaturity and found some sites that spoke to me. One said that children who experience a major trauma, like losing a parent, can become stunted developmentally and emotiuonally at that age. It made me think, because i was 8 when my father died. Do i really have a lot of internal emotional makeup of an 8 year old??? The whole being stuck on fear of death made me think in ways possibly I could. As I have shared numerous amounts of time on here, fear of death has been a constant shadow as long as i can recall. It is not a rational fear because i believe in God and Jesus, yet a whole slew of things gets all jumbled in me concerning it all. I have had some good meditative times at night lately. God seems to help my mind function better at night in this way. Accepting the reality of death and how Jesus makes it a nonissue as far as fear goes is my focus. That all goes awry though when my mind goes off on ideas about failing to have enough faith/obedience or failing to have been a good enough servant and many other things. i want to be like Solomon in Ecclesiastes where he speaks of a time for everything. Let God be God and not chase nor strive after the wind. Balance.