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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, May 07, 2010

Fighting with Reality

I love reading blogs. Also seeing titles of blogs on the blogroll of people i follow, I find so many fantastic writings there. My blog buddy Misti Pearl has John Eldredge on her blogroll. He had a post talking about how we struggle with accepting reality, hence the title of this post. Tiffany Stuart has a post talking about being all in with God,whatever He asks. These 2 themes fit right in with where i am at currently, quite a coincidence eh??

These 2 themes, accepting reality and being all in, really hit me as deep to my core as anything. I talk so much about my battle with fear, and specifically my fear of death, which on the flip side is also fear of life. it is often like I have created my own torture device within my mind where I seek to turn to God and seek His answer to my fear. But, as i do so, the fear begins to act like whatever torture method you can imagine and the more I seek to give Him my fear and trust Him with it, the more the fear becomes unbearable. It is a very strange thing where in order to keep the fear at bay i cannot seek to commit it to God or it will activate. Is that a lil insane???

My friend Miriam in a recent comment spoke of how we can turn God into just one more fear and that was very eye-opening. God is love, perfect love. His perfect love is supposed to cast out fear. My twisted logic i developed awhile ago is that, since I still felt fear i somehow missed on His perfect love, maybe I am not deserving of it and so it is withheld. Of course, none of us are deserving, that is why it is grace and a gift, and displays the majesty of God as being love. I am trying to piece together my whole fear puzzle so I can more fully surrender it to Him and share in a way that may touch anyone reading.

Paul says in Romans that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ. NOTHING!!!! I am an INFJ personality type. Feelings weigh heavily on my thinking,reacting,choosing. Feelings are not always as i want them to be. Feelings cannot and do not separate me from the love of God. This is the kernel of truth i want to focus upon and burn into my soul so strongly anytime fear rears its ugly head. No matter how hard fear strikes at me, in whatever way it does so, I am secure in Gods love by Jesus Christ. For some reason, I need that reality and truth to hit me in a way other than my mental apprehension. I thank God He is always helping me to learn and grow no matter how much I struggle,doubt or sink in my own quicksand.

Does this resound with you at all??? I hope you come across words and thoughts that hit home with you day by day.


At 5:45 AM, Blogger Aphra said...

I think I'm an INTJ. So pretty close to you except for the Thinking that tends to rule my choices. Sometimes that is not so good as I made a big decision based on the Thinking and now I really regret that I didn't listen to what I was feeling.

At 5:37 AM, Blogger Aphra said...

I am thinking a lot about the T and F decision making. I wrote a bit about it on my Bible blog too.


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