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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Life is sure a wild crazy ride so often. Amazing how I can be so wrapped up in certain personal issues within my own head and someone comes along with something and POW I am struck with ferocity at how love reveals itself in very interesting ways. Rachel Held Evans wrote a post today, giving a private peek at her life behind the scenes as she handles being in the whirlwind of writing,speaking,and traveling to so many places and events. I am sure many will share about how Rachels post impacted them on their blog, FB or somewhere. I just wanted to take a lil time to share that I was incredibly uplifted by Rachels post. I started to cry as i read it, because Rachel did NOT h9ld back!!!! She came out and shared herself in a way people in her position as one who is looked up to and placed in a spotlight just because she has gifts which enable her to reach wide audiences, people in her position often just don't reveal their full selves. I can understand why. I am so grateful to Rachel for her courage and humility in doing so though.

My heart feels like a timebomb lately. Anytime i hear of someone having a heart attack, i wince a lil fearing my turn is next. I have somehow managed since 2005 and my discovery i had congestive heart failure to not wallow in fear and anxiety of it giving out. Daily now I feel a haunting sense of it being weak getting weaker and then stopping. It sucks. it has been a very interesting journey considering i have struggled with fear of death since i was 8. I had an angiiplasty and a stent put in in 2005. I have had my heart shocked 3 times back to normal rhythm. My fear level has gone up and down. I have always been one with functional fear thankfully. Worst times are when i get so overwhlemed by my heart possiblky stopping i freeze up and just sit still like a statue. Then, it passes. I wish i could say i am just like Job and praise God nonstop even though He slay me. I do pray to have that attitude everynight though.

Thank you Rachel-for giving hope just by your genuineness. One day i hope to meet you and give you a giant hug!!!


At 1:29 PM, Blogger Viktor said...

Hope. I strongly believe in this word. There's always hope for anyone. Even for people like me who has suffered from love addiction. I may not be fully recovered yet but I know that I will be..


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