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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Pierce the Fog

Life and death. The bookends of existence. Tons and tons have been written seeking to understand these 2 realities. Even so, we still have questions and wonderings. We can read endlessly trying to gain every possible angle and perspective there is......but we will still ponder- why???? Simply part of our humanness. Atheists dismiss the whole conundrum by declaring there is no God and thus no absolute answer to why- just random happenings.  Why do they choose this??

 I can understand atheism to an extent. If there is a God why has He not been more proactive in showing Himself??? Why has He allowed so much pain and suffering ??  Why does He seem so       hidden??? I can relate to this much more at an emotional level than  an intellectual one. I have studied apologetics, read many  philosophy and psycholgy books. My mind  is pretty satisfied. My emotions- this is why I titled the post as i did.

I have always had a very  wild imagination. I believe I  am a highly sensitive person. I feel   things very deeply, even sometimes feel others peoples  emotions before they are aware of them themselves. Death has been centerstage for me as far as this goes. My father dying when I was 8 has been a looming shadow ever since it happened. He died from malignant melanoma, a very ravaging form of cancer. I did not know he was near death when it happened. My wild imagination has viewed death like a  grim reaper. It stays always present like a fog, and I never know when it will strike. I realize this is just a truth of reality at all times, but my awareness of it has always been  super acute. It is compounded by my being highly sensitive. Any feeling that seems to be odd or unordinary from normal ailments sends me into fight or flight mode- maybe death is here!!!!  No wonder i had high blood pressure even as a kid!!!! 

 This fear is exacerbated the last few years by  having congestive heart failure. Especially when I was in atrial fibrillation which is an irregular heartbeat. Could my heart suddenly stop??? Will it??? In those moments I freeze and become paralyzed by the thought/feelings of  dying. Is God there?? Will He be with me ,especially when the pain of my body dying happens??? I just whimper at times, whispering  please God please     then i sing hymns and worship songs. I pray. I sing  Jesus loves me and kumbayah. Gradually the fear dissipates and i fall asleep. Until the next time.

 What pierces the fog is when I focus on the cross and what Jesus did, as well as why He did it. Believing Jesus was fully human and fully God, that He knows and  feels everything I or anyone else think or feel- provides comfort. My inner critic of course parries with accusations of why have i doubted so much, how can I possibly expect Him to help me in death as well as the struggles of contemplating it??? The critic screams inside my mind that my faith is way too waek and small to  help me, my obedience way too little. May as well accept that  my fear will never  be removed and death one day will attack, just like it did my father.

 Kumbayah my Lord  Kumbayah. Pierce the  fog- let me know and feel You are here- yesterday today and forever!!!!!


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