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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, April 09, 2012

Wrestle

I love wrestling, yes even the WWE form lol. It is good exercise and is challenging and fun as well as tough and risky. Imagine wrestling with an invisible spirit who just happens to be Almighty and All-Poweful but wants to engage anyway. I have made it my nightly prayer for last few years 3 things- seek His Kingdom first, seek to develop intimacy with Jesus like what Paul speaks of in Philippians and to wrestle with God getting the blessing AND the wound. I also pray to be like Job and have my heart say yea though He slay me yet will I praise Him. Ever notice God sometimes takes us seriously on what we pray???

My dad died at age 30 of melanoma one of the most ravaging cancers there are. I was 8. I have struggled with angst over life, death and the meaning of it all ever since. Part of me sought to be childlike and accept God had a plan and somehow dads death had to happen as it did,just as death happens to all of us sometime. Questions kept popping up though of why him, why then, why not me or my sister or mom?? I was able to gain an intellectual understanding fairly well. Emotionally however, lets just say i am still working on it- at age 50.

The spectre of death has lingered within my consciousness ever since. Would it happen now?? Would it strike all of a sudden?? Would i have some kind of warning??? My mom was a nurse and I somehow reasoned in my head she would provide reassurance anytime I needed it about being ok and safe from death. There were times she did that and there werte times I stressed her out and she told me to get over it and stop being such a pain. I have very very soft skin and easily crumble at even perceived slights or rejections. How insane has it been then that the most ominous source of rejection and pain has been myself within my own inner consciousness???

A form of perfectioniam formed in me very early. Anytime i veered off course of this, however that worked in my mind anyhow, a sharp critical rebuke resounded inside me telling me of course i should know better, not have any fear or weakness, not be emotionally immature and stand strong no matter what came my way. Actual reality and inner reality. The 2 have always been at each others throats in my experience. I wonder what the experience of these 2 forces are for everyone else?? Hmmmm.

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