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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, July 30, 2012

Inner Dialogue

Just thought i would write out how the convo happens inside my head often.  I suspect a bit of OCD within  lol 

 ok  hearts in  normal rhythm, going  fine, good checkup with cardiologist, all good.  Wait, it could go back to afib  any second!!!1  Not only that   what if it just stops beating!!!!   oh  won't that hurt??/ what  can  we do??  *feelings of anxiety sweep through*  Relax, pray sing  praise songs and hymns, God is here no matter what.  What if He stays silent and unavailable??  maybe i have let Him down too many times   by  being afraid  for no reason, for lacking faith and confidence. Oh  man what is going on???  Don't let my heart stop don't let me die not yet!!! 

 Are you trying to control things and play God??  Who do you think you are??  maybe you will die right now  because your trying to hold on to your life!!  You know  God  gives us no guarantee  for  life to  continue. You can die at any second!!!!  Ok ok  no need to  be afraid   nothing can separate me from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord. Focus on that   pray give everything to God. breathe deep   calm relax  ok better all better.

My dad died when he was 30 and he  first got cancer wheh he was only 18!!!!  How can i  have worried and been afraid all  my life??/  Why am I 51 and still  have so much  of the same fears and struggles  i did when i was 8??  Why have i not been able to just let it all go and  rest in Gods love and grace, in Jesus presence??  What is wrong with me, I beliove  i committed my life to Christ at 16 i have sought to live for Him   why all this fear  and  struggle to just believe and live by faith??/  I'm going to give myself a heart attack!!!  oh no  my heart     no no no  stay normal!!!!

 Just a lil snippet of what has been  an ongoing  merrygoround since around age 8. Give or take some  differences. Is this a dialogue   you  experience ever??? maybe not about  heart  trouble or cancer but about death and  pain  in any way shape or form??  Hope  some come by and comment. It is a lil weird to  write it out openly this way. Hopefully it will be  a healing thing. I  praise Jesus and trust Him even in the midst of all this. Thank You  that You  ARE Love  God!

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