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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Hard To Be Still

*Be still and know that I AM God*    One of the most vivid passages of relating to God in all of Scripture. Direct,clear,to the point. Why is it so freaking hard?? My mind and heart swilrs round and round like a merry-go-round gone awry. Let me just lay it out as i seem to experience it.

 God is love. Jesus is Lord and Savior. Holy Spirit is the Helper. Bible is Gods written Word. Faith and obedience, love God and love  everyone else and yourself. So easy to understand and apply. Hmmmm...

Seems like it should be so easy but a whole host of other junk interrupt this easy outline. My dad died when i was 8. He was 30. Why him?/ Why not me?? Why do i still obsess over this at age 51??/ I have a heart condition, congestive heart failure. Will i suddenly die with no warning??  That has been my  huge terror  for as long as i can  recall. How do i manage facing it everyday???   I  struggle to sleep at night alot because of these fears. Why can't i just rest in  faith and Gods love and grace?? 

 Sin. All kinds of sin. Sin i knew better than to do but ended up doing it anyway. Don't we all though??  No comfort though. it doesn't matter if we all do it- i should not have!!!!   So says my inner critic. How could i have ev er been seen as the best example of a christian  by my atheist roommate in Bible College?? Just look at the mess inside!!!  Fear...... worry.....doubt.....selfishness.....pride.....laziness. Why do i struggle with all of this?? Why can't i be like  so many people i have read or heard testimonies about???  people who  faced staggering  life challenges and just overcame with almost unbelievable courage. Could it be  in there deepest part of their inner being they struggle with these  demons as well??? Could they be wondering why me too??/ 

 if anyone reads this please  share a thought or response. Thanks and  here's to  being abel to be still!!!1


At 4:20 PM, Blogger plank eye said...

Hey Robert it's Paul! Could you email me again at the Gmail account? My phone zapped your email. Thanks, look forward to hearing from you soon!


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