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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

facing the fear

Last night we had our monthly council meeting at church. i chair the Sunday School dept. My friend who is our parliamentarian wasn't there which was odd because he is always there. Our chairman decided to call and discovered he had experienced a relapse of rapid heartbeat and was in the hospital. he is doing fine now and recovering once again. he has had this happen so often in the last 10 years its old hat to him. We prayed for him at the meeting and I kept him in thought and prayer during the night.

In the middle of the night i suddenly had a thought of..... what if something haoppened to me right now i had just written earlier about facing my fears and trusting God no matter what well time to test it out my head felt tight and i felt a lil anxious i began to sing praise songs and pray telling God my desire to trust Him to turn over my fear my head was still feeling tight thought went through me i could have an aneurysm and die right now instantly or a heart attack God is in control He is to be trusted fear swept through me as i tried to pray and sing thoughts of wanting to die in a better way kept running through my head as well as just accepting that nothing separated me from the love of God in Christ nothing at all. Eventually i woke up and it was time to go to work God had allowed me to drift off in the midst of seeking to trust Him and call out to Him.

I really am thankful for KIng David and the Pslams!!!!! He poured out his GUTS all of it to God in there!!!!! He was the *man after Gods own heart* and man o man did he display a whole gauntlet of emotions and doubts and stuff in those Psalms!!!! I often wish we had the *rest of the story* about so many of the Biblical characters, but a great many of them did display their failings didn't they??? As i was sitting in my recliner trying to relax and trust God even if I had something sever happen physically, I realized that it is very different to wonder about something from a distance emotionally speaking as opposed to having it flare up in full living color........ weird how sometimes there is a realization of His peace , like when i had my angioplasty and other times its a sense of dread and panic like oh please God don't take me now nottttttttttttttttt nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww i am not ready noooooooooooooo!!!!! I was very glad to awaken not even having recalled dozing off which helped me to seei had taken a few baby steps of trusting God because i would have kept my mind running in full gear to offset any bad thing happening if i could help it!!!! that illusion of control thing again, Oh what a wonderful amazing God!!!!!


At 1:18 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

The funny thing is that even through our stuggles and through our times of doubt and uncertainity, God is still God. I too have run through the what-ifs late at night thinking what would happen if I were to die and stand before God right now. What would He say to me? In turn, what would I say to Him? It sounds kinda sad to say "I didn't fully trust you and this is why." But yet, that's the truth I live with every day. It seems as if we are not content to live there though, continually striving to come to a place where we trust God again. That is a good thing. I think that if we were just complacent in our walk with Christ, then there wouldn't be any of these posts. So, I applaud you for taking these steps toward trust.

At 1:34 PM, Blogger bjk said...

We'll just keep steppin though right...HE IS an amazing God!!


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