fear of God

beginning of wisdom right???? I should be close to King Solomon level by now!!!!! ai yi yi I have read many posts about trusting God, resting in God, drawing near to Him and connecting, growing our relationship. it strikes me as so weird within myself as i reflect from my reading, how long i have been a christian, 29 years now and still in so many ways fel like a baby as far as resting in and trusting God. The reasons for this are legion but the dilemma remains. Most of my waking moments i am thinking about God and Jesus in some way shape or form but also have so much distraction and trivial fluff that just takes up space. For example. i have a job which requires very little mental exertion. i mean really, how tough is it to handle mail???? I pray meditate reflect and other things while doing my work. yet i also find myself frustrated by thoughts which swarm around and take away from my focus on God. My machine fails to work properly, i am asked to help in an area i just don't like, a coworker is being really immature and annoying, i get reminded of a failure or fault from the past and it feels like salt is poured in the wound. yet, sometimes in the midst of these distractions i sense God telling me to not sweat the small stuff and relax enjoy just being in the present and accepting he is in control.

i smile to myself attimes when this happens. But strangely at other times i get chagrined, its like i don't want him reminding me of the fact He is there and wants me to rest in Him. i want to have my tantrum or discontent for whateve reason!!!! Do any of you experience this???? I love to sing hymns and praise songs to God and yet i also get filled with clutter in my mind where I get caught up with past failures and feeling bad over them or future desires and wondering if i will be able to achieve them again unable to be in the present!!!

Smitty at crockpot faith has written a few posts dealing with this subject and really has stimulated my thinking. One of the things she mentioned that resonates deeply with me is if she fully trusts God,,,, she will find that trust challenged to see if its able to be upheld. this has been an ongoing question inside myself for as long as ican recall. I wory that if i acknowledge i totally trust God, hands down, then the devil will do something to challenge me like what happened to job and i will cave, thus showing i was not able to trust like I said i did. Still, Scripture resounds with the command to trust God, to live by faith, and rest in knowing His faithfulness and goodness. I seek to do this as best i can at one level, but there is that piece of me which is in there somewhere saying i will never be able to do it, that i am a double minded man unstable in all my ways and like the servant who hid theit one talent and so had everything taken away. See the ambivalence??? it feels very strange typing this because i want to trust God completely, i know i am lost without Him and He is absolutely worthy of my trust...... so why this struggle????? Do my examples resonate with some of you???? Is it a lifelong process that we grow into until we pass from here to eternity???? Do any of you feel like you are in quicksand as you seek to trust God, feeling the more you try and the closer you get to it the faster you slide down deeper in the sand?????

i am so very glad God is good and that He allows me to ramble in print my inner thoughts and feelings to a wide spectrum of people via the blogosphere!!!!