crossroads

i love that song by Bone Thugz and Harmony see you at the crossroads you wont be lonely I am so thankful for so many amazing people i have come across on here!!! So many of us at a very similar place on out journey and so many all over the entire spectrum. I spend so much time trying to figure God out or trying to analyze His ways and actions and develop some kind of certainty. As a great many have ben focusing on past few days God owes me NOTHING!!! No explanation no appearance zilch nada zero!!!! My ego doesnt like that much not much at all. Death to self thats what Jesus calls all of us to ,well if we want to be His disciples and follow Him.

i think alot of my internal pain comes from NOT doing as He calls me to from hanging on to myself again and again Fight or flight but i want a third option aaproach yes approach and relax with God. Yet I feel as though i cannot because of the sins i still struggle with the character flaws I still struggle with so deeply. Wanting to change and be transformed by Him but also hold back and resist by choosing my selfish desires so often. i wish i could let Him just wipe away the parts of me that hide in fear that fight against Him or resist by turning to fleshly things. I have flashes that happen sometimes as ive said before all of a sudden a thought comes in my mind you can die right bow heart attack stroke aneurysm lung clot no escape and it makes mt freeze and panic inside I am somehow able to maintain my poise but it is hard if the thought last a while i was in traffic the other day when it happened and i had an urge to jump out of my truck and run just run but the urge passed good thing since i was driving on a 2 lane street!!! Why do i want control??? Why do I fear death and have had it with me for so long??? One reason is i dont want to experience the pain who does???? Another is guilt over not being in a more spiritually mature place than i am. Sins i still fight which i have since high school. The fact I want to live a life pleasing to God and being a servant for Him to all and yet have this hidden *dark side* whee i can go and explore the taboo a lil bit and let it be something that stays in a lil box where only God and i know about it Doesnt work that way. Pain is Gods megaphone i posted an entry titles that awhile back. How much pain do i need before i hear and respond as He calls me to???? Is it a truly lifelong struggle until He takes me into eternity??? None of us will ever be completely sin-free this side of Heaven right???? God knows my condition He knows my seeming inability to internalize His affection and fondness for me deep inside and my tough time fully realizing His llove forgiveness and grace. Help me God to come to You as i ong to and somehow take in Your grace love and forgiveness as when I first came to faith!!!! Help me to hate sin and love holiness to deny self and respond to You!!!!! Help me to want You and to want what You want more than anything each day as it comes. You know me help me to accept Your love and worship You loving You back