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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, May 19, 2007

finding rest

Several people have been on the same wavelength here alot lately. I can only imagine how many out in the entire blogosphere truly are as well. Struggling to know and trust God and to live life as He calls us to live it. I find recurring themes on here for myself over the past several months, mainly because I'm in a certain place and write from being in that place. I often hope i dont chase away potentila readers because they come to look and say*on no just same old stuff again* Truth is i don't need to worry about that because Im not wrting this to just have a huge audience of people i dont know for the sake of having lotos and lots of people come read. I thoroughly enjoy and have been deeply enriched by many who have been regular and who also invest their selves by sharing comments and on ther own blogs. Anyone and everyone are always welcome of course I think its just good to not get caught in a *i need lots of hits on here* type mentality.

Gary on blessed are the poor in spirit as well as barbara at prodigal daughter smitty at crockpot faith dana at awareness and bjk at in the quiet have all touched on very similar themes in the past few days FEAR has been a major one.I have relished reading the various discussions since fear has been a small thing i deal with uh yea rightttttttttt lol I think at least for me fear entails a large dose of guilt and shame mixed with anger. Anger is something I have always had a hard time with. I dont express it easily at least towards other people. i think i go way overboard in how i express it at myself internally. I wrote in ome of my last posts about howI seem to experience life from a purely internal perspective. Something i saw on another page made me think even more about this. I am one of those sensitivesouls,words penetrate me deeply. Whoever said the infamous *sticks and stones* ditty wasa either in deep denial or a masochist!!! I have always been a physically big and strong guy. Even when i was little. It had its ups and downs. I used to have to have 3 guys to have to tackle me to bring me down playing football even when i was playing with much older guys. Now that was COOL!! I was always kind of awkward and clumsy though so was an easy target for ridicule. Sometimes i really wish God had given me much thicker skin because mine has always been like snakeskin barely there and easily gotten under.

I feel shame and guilt over how long i have had my fear of death. i had it way before becoming a christian. Something about going through an experience where your being ceases to exist where you stop breathing and all the rest just doesnt make for a easy to digest. Compounding it is when Im told 8get over it* *no need for that fear jesus removes it* and others like it. It makes me feel like i was a fool to ever have the fear at all or at least o acknowledge i did. I dont WANT this fear, but thining of the possibilities left me with it as something I just couldnt let go of. Is death blackness, hell and eternal torment,sleep,eternal life in heaven???? Im speaking from the viewpoint as an 8 year old who's father has died here. I beliieved in God and Jesus and that they were Good and in control.Losing my father to death at such an early age was a major blow though and left me in this dilemma of inner turmoil of dealing with my fears,doubts and my faith hope and beliefs. In talking about this on here Im seeking a few things, to expunge the tape that plays over and over in my head, to seek understanding and affirnation from those who face similar things, challenge from those who havent as well as thosewho have, a way for God to help me get past it and be in a new place.

Fear Not Be strong and of Good Courage are 2 commands used very adamantly in the Bible. I want to live out those commands. i seem to not know how. Is there a difference between our mental dealing with fear and our emotional???? Is there a way to be free from fear and yet still have it in existence to some degree within??? I thought i had the answers to these questions sewed up nice and tight ages ago but my inner experience has always seemed to fight against what I saw as being true. i want to get to the place where i just am trusting God being unafraid and just want to know how to get there???? i have gone roundand round on my hamster wheel for so long and I beat myself up even more because i have been on this wheel while being a christian and seeking to be a leader for so many years. How possibly can i be at such an elementary place after so long being His follower???? These wonderings are why its so hard for me so often to deeply realize He loves me and even cares about me. I think it must say something that i have such a hard time taking in grace peace and love from Him to myself. he says rest. i feel rejection because i have failed to trust and obey. What to do to find that rest to take in His love and grace to know His peace that passeth understanding????? This is my lament for right now.


At 5:47 PM, Blogger Awareness said...

HI there.......

Have you ever tried meditation? I'm wondering if learning how to meditate would allow you to feel a different kind of connection to God.

I wonder this after reading your question about mental vs emotional wrestling with fear. It seems to me that meditation may allow you to explore this.

Just a thought....and thank you for your kind words on my post on common ground.....I'm so glad you read it. When I found the words and wrote it out a couple of days ago, I found that I have made some steps forward in understanding where the calm and assurance may come from when faced with death.

Do you have the Henri Nouwen book, Bread for the Journey....daily thoughts? If not, I think you can get it online to have the daily thoughts sent to you. All this week, he wrote about death....accepting it etc. I found his words to be helpful and profound.

take care you...... :)


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