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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


I was always fascinated by this stuff. I think I saw an episode of Batman where he and robin were stuck in quicksand. It amazed ne how it sucked them down into it especially when it looked like they were making their way out. I feel i get caught in spiritual quicksand alot. I think im making headway moving aheaf good ptrogress whoomp there it is back deep in the quickand!!! Sometimes i see things so crystal clear it is uncanny like God clears away all the fog and just lets me glimpse His truth so wonderfully. usually though its like I am lost in a labrynth of my own making. Freewill vs Predestination is one of the hottest debated topics ever and so muchj of merit on both sides. i struggle with realizing i do have freewill and am able to make choices BUT have this inner block where i feel/think lioke i am forced by something to remain a certain way. i have always been a easygoing eventempered gentle soul. Gentle giant is an apt description. I have a introverted.passive analytical observer approach to life from my very deepest inner core. i have things in me where i want to be more active or more outgoing more spontaneous and et i feel like i am forced to be the way i have just described.

it is weird as well because my inner experience of myself is much different than how i am in living life around people. i love to encourage people, to smile laugh and have a good time with them. i enjoy being challenged by people. I like being involved with others be it church,work,family playing sports. i find it easy to share myself when asked questions and to empathize with others. In my own head i am my own worst enemy. I dont give myself a break I replay all the bad and dont see the good. I find all the flaws and rehash them over and over and over making myself wonder man o man have i experienmced ANY growtrh????? It really is a vicious circle and only Gods grace love forgiveness and truth can break it up. I need more and more to take in Gods grace as opposed to His judgment and wrath. Be able to know in a personal way that His love is exactly what i need and it is enough.

Again just trying to make sense of life here with my own personal demons. Hope some of you who come and read can relate and understand to some extent. God loves misfits thank You that You do!!!


At 1:34 AM, Blogger Awareness said...

God does love the misfits! :)

God loves the thinking and feeling misfits! :)

We are in His good Hands.......as we pursue our journey....

At 8:45 AM, Blogger bjk said...

God is very fond of you....

I remember reading that in Abbas Child and it just really moved me this amazing God of the universe....FOND of me....and you.....wrestle with that.....love b

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Layla (aka Barbara) said...

Hi Roberto (insert heavy sigh here)

I relate.
My question is - are we (people like you, like me like several others I know well - are WE the minority or the majority? Are there people that truly have their spiritual stuff together, really feel loved, really DON"T BEAT THEMSELVES UP and spend hours of days of years trying to figure it all the heck out????'

I am getting sick of it. I really am. I am tired on this journey. Yesterday I felt God's love today I am full of anger and doubt and just want to sleep and eat chocolate (hmmm - perhaps its PMS?)

In any case, I am a wreck but I loved this post!

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

I think you and Barbara hit the nail on the head. I too am extremely tired on this journey. Quicksand is a great analogy. That's how I feel right now, like I'm stuck in the stuff and can't figure out how to get out of it. I too wonder if there really are people out there who have it all together spiritually? If I perceive that someone does have it all together, they immediately get on my nerves because I don't have it all together. However, I do think there are those people who have struggles and obstacles to overcome, yet they don't let it consume them. I think that's what I want to be. Someone who doesn't have it all together but has enough of it to be able to rest in what I believe.

I once thought I did have it all together, then everything came crashing down and I realized just how "un"together I was.

At 10:01 PM, Blogger Gary Means said...

You know from our conversations and from my blog that I spend a fair amount of time in the quicksand too. I almost recommended a book, but I know from my own experience that we know all the right things. It's internalizing them that is the challenge. I think for me the key is learning to accept that the Gary that makes foolish, selfish, destructive, or even just plain evil decisions is just as much me as the part that longs to walk with God and who earnestly desires to be able to give and receive love.

I am all those things, and the closer I come to God, the more I seek Him, the more I will be aware of the whole spectrum of emotions, motivations, desires, thoughts, actions, regrets, etc.

I believe that for me, the path to freedom is found in embracing the reality of who I am in total, and learning to recognize that God doesn't stress over my daily performance. He does not have a checklist to see whether I've been naughty or I've been nice. He just loves me. I can explain it, and only sometimes can I accept it. But I do believe that He sees my purest aspirations which emanate from the core of my redeemed being, just as He also sees the evil and selfishness of which I am capable. He sees the worst sins I have ever committed, those things about which I am most ashamed. He sees the sins I would commit if I thought I could get away with it. And yet He loved me before the foundation of the earth, let alone before I was born again.

Well I'm rambling. Today is a good day for me. Have I screwed up in significant ways in the past day or two? Absolutely. Am I ashamed of my decisions? Indeed. Do I feel confident that God loves me anyway. Well, pretty much, kind of, sort of, I guess.

Part of me is still afraid of God's rejection. But part of me is almost like the dog that's been beaten time and time again, but comes to his master one more time, hoping that it will be different. That's a rather pathetic picture of a relationship with God. But sometimes that's how I feel. Yet, there's hope that what I believe in my head might really be true. And that it is worth the risk in trusting Him even though I am ashamed and weak and afraid.

So I go to Him. And I try to go to Him with honesty and without hesitation. And He is good. The idea that He is not is mainly projection on my part. I expect Him to respond as I would. And I am not a very gracious guy, despite my attempts to act differently.

Sorry for rambling on so long. Even though what I have written may sound negative and coming from a distorted perception of God, the truth is that this IS a good day for me. Feeling this way is an improvement over where I am a lot of the time. I'll take the positive momentum and celebrate a little inside.

Your bro, Gary


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