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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Such a strong word denotes such underlying power and resilence just seemed to be a word i want to focus on right now. I let my own thoughts swirl and spin and do myself in on a regular basis. So weird how my memory can become so stilted especially when negative and accusatory thoughts take over and permeate throughout the chambers of my mind. i was telling barbara/layla when we were chatting one night i wish i could freeze myself in time when I am serenely enjoying God and His goodness and free of the cold pricklies so I can have refuge from the pain and ache of all the junk that surfaces all to much. As i type this though a thought strikes me that all that junk is used by God to remind me as well as any of us with our own junk how amazing God is and how incredible He brings all things together to work for His good even some absolutely evil things He can make His good be shone somewhere someway!!!

Something i have been marinating in my brain lately is how to let myself off the hook. i really am amazed by as well as honestly jealous and envious of those fortunate souls who seem to have a genuine realization of Gods grace deep within and do NOT spend endless hours torturing themselves internally over their sins failures and mistakes. I am king of the secondguessers and do so endlessly always to no avail just as worry isn't. No matter what i go through i always come back to God as He reveals Himself in the Bible His Word. Always come back to Jesus. I don't know why I stray so often just as i don't know why the Isaelites did. God is so good why do I seem to lose track of that on a regular basis when i get in various *funks*????/ Isn't that the million dollar question??? LOL

I have some major financial woes right now. i have never been good with managing money i have made some major bad choices in how i spent my money over the years. I made the mistake of letting a credit card bill go without paying and just thought they would write it off. No such luck have to go before a judge and handle it now Hopefully i will be able to make affordable payments. i think the stress is affecting my health as well have had lots of shortness of breath lately not good cant afford to pay for my meds all the time either. i hope this isnt too much info shared about a personal area of struggle I just appreciate any and all prayers and hope i can learn to be a better steward as a result of all this. Thank you all who stop by and all who comment!!!!


At 8:03 PM, Blogger David Cho said...

Great post, Robert.

I hope and pray that your money issues will work out. I know what you are saying about dwelling on failures and mistakes. I am trying to learn to get past them and obey Jesus' commandment - Sin no more.

Thanks and good to see you back.

At 8:23 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

I will pray that your money situation works out. It's easy to dwell on your failures and mistakes. I too have a hard time looking past that in my own life. I was given some good advice the other day- in situations where I beat myself up because I have failed in some way, or I think I have failed..I need to slow down and ask myself what really was my doing and what can I learn from the situation. I haven't tried it yet but it sounds like good advice to me.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger karen said...

Praying on your situation, Robert.


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