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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, May 28, 2007

the battle

Life truly is a battle a tough one sometimes its so tempting to want to make it something simple and not hard or tough like that Persevere carry on be stron gand of good courage fight the good fight. Action is a common theme throughout Scripture so what do you do if you find yourself wanting to or feeling yourself just wallow in quicksand feeling stuck or running in place wanting to move forward but not doing it??? Is not life a constant battle to move closer to God and Jesus as opposed to moving away?? God is not a genie who responds on command, alot of times He can appear to be silent or at least very quiet althiugh He never is absent. I know and believe that He is real and the One True God as He declares Himself to be that Jesus is the Way Truth and the Life as He declares Himself to be so why the resistance??? why the faith but lack of obedience and trust and following?? Why do i want and choose certain things I know go against what He desires and has called me too???? That is the conundrum.

I talked to my mom and sister the other night about how i am in the midst of rediscovering myself again at 45 almost 46. i have so much inside i buried deep back as a teen and young adult. i acted in alot of ways because of how I thought i was SUPPOSED to act as opposed to what i wanted to be and do. i am strill quite shy mostly around girls due to what I WENT through when i was in jr jigh and high school. I never really took time to learn ways to overcome that just kind of buried it deep inside. I went to jr college and recieved alot of attention from girls because I actually looked good then in good shape no acne scars lol knew hopw to dress well but i was not ready to recieve that kind of attention and didnt know how to deal with it. i even had a girl get my number off the list in our pingpong class and call me lol how crazy is that??? we went out a few times . I went all through Bible College and really hardly dated always felt so insecure and scared inside and i think that came across somehow to them so i wasnt looked at as dating prospect. My counselor i used to see told me my biggest fear was really of women and maybe he was right. i have a true love and respect for women i never have had the anger and other problems despite my being rejected i just have always felt unable to be one who would be a good boyfriend let alone husband. I still have always had a very strong sex drive though but of course sex before marriage is offlimits. I found an outlet in fantasy though even though that is wrong as well. It was an escape from the rejection and loneliness their they never said no never were displeased or unhappy or bored or whatever. It becomes quite addicting, even affects the endorhons in the brain i believe as well. i hope this isnt being too open in a way that comes across wrong just sharing my reality as best i can.

i have a heart for God. i have a pastors heart always wanting to encourage comfort counsle pastor people especially those who hurt or are feeling lost alone left out and i believe God worked that into me helped develop those qualities in me. I just wish i could blend everything together into one solid whole as opposed to having parts of me which fight Him surrender all to the leading and guidance of the Spirit!!!! Let me know your thoughts and responsed all who read here i always enjoy and desire them.


At 6:05 PM, Blogger Awareness said...

The Spirit is found between the breaths we take. And the breaths we take at 45 and 46 years old are very different than when we are in our early 20's. They are contemplative, expressive, more knowledgeable breaths.......

I too have been reassessing life and faith and all those good things as well Robert, as you know. And, I've come to the conclusion that this is what being in your 40's is all about! It's a milestone or a touchpoint in our lives when we look back to assess in order to make decisions for the second part of our lives.

Sometimes, reassessing stuff is like spring cleaning......you know how when you start cleaning things look messier than they did before you began....you pull everything out of the cupboards and closets to rearrange and wipe out the dust etc? If I stop in the middle of a spring cleaning and look around, I often feel overwhelmed by the messiness......but then I start refolding and tossing and organizing and all of a sudden, things are reclaimed and sorted in a better manner.

That's my analogy for the day.....sometimes our thinking process gets messier before it gets clearer!!

keep on cleaning.... :)



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