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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, June 01, 2007


Ever played that game??? It is kinda fun and very hard on the body if you are not quite so nimble and flexible anymore lol. Left hand blue right foot green trying to avoid others who have to plant their hands and feet on colored spots too. I find myself feeling like Im in a game of twister alot lately. I have posted on the 2 elements force and choice a few times I still am very intrigued at their interplay in life. Theologically of course force is predestination and choice is freewill. Does Gods love and His grace and mercy as well as His kindness evoke a response in us leading to repentance and salvation??? Does the Holy Spirit forcibly seize us and bring us to salvation by His working upon our hearts?/ Round and round the exploring goes.

Can spiritual fruit exist alongside falling and messing up??? I sure hope so and if we are all honest i would think every person would have to say they both sin and grow on a day to day basis. A large part of me struggles with black/white thinking trying to say certain sins should not be a struggle at all but when they are and Im still seeking to pursue God and a closer walk with Jesus what do i do???? My whole inner being is in uproar attimes because of my whole issue of fearing death. God is ultimately in control of when we die He is the lifegiver and thus also the lifetaker. I want to have Jobs attitude and Pauls attitude as i have said before yet I still struggle over and over with just recoiling in fear and wishing it would just never happen. I have heart problems as well as diabetes and have had kidney problems which male me even more aware of my mortality so often. I look at the lil kids with life-threatening ilnesses among others who face them and seem to have a calmness and peace that only God can give. I wonder about their inner conditions Do they ever have painful bouts of fear and worry??? Do they at times question God and if He is there or will He come and comfort them??? Do they just somehow experience a faith that enables them to have His peace at a deep level whicj impacts their life on a constant basis???? Why have i been unable to let go of the fear and just let His peace reside in me and guide my inner responses??? I have had pockets of that happening like when i had my angioplasty it seems like when something real happens God enables His peace to be there as opposed to when i let my imagination run wild and let fears of what might happen or could happen fill my thoughts.

I have a deely immature side to me i realize more and more. For a long long time i always sought to act beyond my years in maturity. To be above some of the stuff that normally is handled as a teen or young adult. I buried stuff inside and sought to be an aspiring *minister8 and live life as one who aspires to that ideal would. I find so much rebellious attitudes in me now and i dont want itthere!!!! i should have this over and done with long ago I know God is good all the time all the time God is good but a part of me wants to do my own thing and rebel for seemingly no reason than just wanting to. it makes no sense and when I am turning to Him in prayer or meditatiuon or just wanting Him i just want to be held in His arms and be able to pour out how i love Him and want to love Him but i have blockage much like a sink whiched needs rotorooter i need my spiritual pipes unblocked!!!!

Sharing on here is very helpful. For me it is often a more conducive way of expressing myself deeply in a personal way because of my shyness and intoverted nature that makes it hard to do so without getting nervous shaky and blushing f2f. Praise God for having blogging in existence and for all you wonderful people who are out there sharing!!!


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