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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, July 23, 2007


Bjk has written some very solid stuff on her blog what else is new right??? She always manages to include some Scripture which is wonderful. She asked me a question on my page roday that still has me pondering within my gray matter. God truly loves me acceot it already!!! I can see all of you with a quiizical expression and mouthing the phrase DUH of course He does!!! Well, somehow and some way the reality of Gods love for me sometimes seems to evade me in the emotional/spiritual parts of myself. After reading hjer comment i just found myself wondering the impact of the fantastic truth that GOD LOVES ME!!!

i stop and contemplate at times after making certain posts on here. I seek to try and be as transparent and open as possible on here for a few reasons. One is because this is a place to interact with people all around the world an amazing thing!!!! i also never know what might help someone who is dealing with a similar struggle or painful area of life that my sharing may manage to serve as encouragement. I dont want to come across as being overly exposed telling things that sound too personal to be so openly shared. Just how do you determine that though?? I think it really is an individual choice we all must make. Commenters are such incredible sources of wisdom and growth as well helping to point out blindspots and provide solid support and direction.

The mind is a complex mystery isnt it??? i am shocked at how fast a jumble of thoughts and feelings can glide across my mind in a seeming instant some i wanted some i didnt some i have no idea where they came from. As i said in my last post i am working through wondering about my condition having battles with some of the same sins i fought 20 years ago!!!! I wonder if it hits harder when its a more blatant and outwardly noticed sin as opposed to one that is more inward and not visible. part of me fears that Gods love is removed from me and hidden because i have failed Him when caught up in certain addictive sins and when my mind and thoughts keep me trapped in a downward spiral which keeps me feeling separated from God hmmmmmm separated from God...... isnt that hell???/ i think hell is not just waiting in eternity it has roots and pockets of its barrenness right here as we live now. I have a certain craziness to keep resisting God and choosing to go my own way whatever that may be and dont we all at times.

Wanting what God wants more than anything else Love God with all my heart,mind,soul and strength Love my neighbor as myself Love fulfills the entire law. I feel like i am not worthy of love deep inside so much I let that cause me to shrink back in many ways from extending love which then makes me feel unloved which well you see the outcome this is the root of what Im struggling with inside I pray God helps me as i gain more awareness of this struggle to accept His love which comes along with His grace UNEARNED and let it transform me moment by moment to act in the same way He has to me.


At 8:26 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Journeying together....I am happy about that.....strangely joyful about that....


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