struggles

I am officially 46 now. Amazing to be so close to 50 always worried i might not ever make 30 way back because my dad died at 30. Sometimes it strikes me and makesd me wonder how i was able to live so much longer than he. i can go off on a wild mindtrip if i sit ands wonder why some live and others die deaths that occur apart from being caused by ourselves or other uman means. My whole struggle with fear weighs on me wondering why i have let it stay for so long???? Why have i let certain sins stay around so long??i think maybe alot of my fear stems from guilt over struggling with committing certain sins over and over even after having had severe consequences due to them. Why are there some sins or emotional problems and spiritual immaturity so hard to get beyond??/

I read in Scripture the character qulities Jesus sought for in His followers and that God addresses through the writings of Paul Peter and John. Integrity is at the top. What do you do when you know you compromised your integrity?? I have spoken of some of my struggles in this area plenty on here. I was in ministry and was caught in sexual sin, involving the phone to be exact it wasnt in actual physical contact but thats not the point. We all struggle with sin various sins as well as sin itself being a thing we battle against. Does the verse Paul says in Romans address this??? * the thing i dont want to do i do and that i do want to do i dont* Can and will sin be endless lifelong struggle as lon gas we are alive on this earth??? Are there certain sins or types of sins that we as believers should never commit:??? MY situation happened back in 1988 and for a long time i didnt go to church or be active spiritually in anyway because my guilt and shane ate at me and i still was addicted to the things i got caught in. The struggle has gone up and down even up to this day.

i am not sure what all i want to say still. I see so many amazing people out here dealing with life and turning to God and letting their lives be so transformed and available for Him to use. I dont know why I have kept fighting God so much wanting to give in to my addictions so much fighting to surrender and obey Him repent and follow after His kingdom and His righteousness. i want to turn to Him and trust and love Him as I know He longs for me to as i see so many do why is it seemingly a very difficult thing for me to do??? His presence and love is everywhere Jesus resurrected to give us the Holy Spirit and follow Him in a love relationship of trust and faith. Why do i find it so hard to just do that moment by monent???? i find it so easy to let fears block out His presence and disobedience be chosen over obeying. Help my heart to be a heart that wants to turn to You God that wants to follow Jesus and love Him and obey Him with my entire being always fully and totally!!! Help me to realize and know Your love forgiveness and grace in such a powerful way I will be transformed and learn to let Your peace and love and grace rule my heart!!!