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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, July 19, 2007

more on what drives the fear

it is weied to look in and realize all the irrational and fragmented thoughts and wonderings that lie within the mind. So much of my thinking surfaces as very childlike and childish as well definitely a mixture of someone who has struggled with achieving emotional maturity. I have had shared alot of my inernal struggles with several counselors over the years and they all seem to repeat the same themes seeking acceptance and love. I have always fought with a deep sense of being unworthy of being accepted and loved by people and even God. I don;t know exactly where this stems from. My parents gave me all they knew how as far as love acceptance and support. I know both of them came from families where they both lacked a significant amount of those very qualities from their parents and Im suree they tried their hardest to make sure they didnt let that happen to their kids.

I have been one who keeps feelings within attempting to manage them in my own way and not wanting to let them loose and possibly out of control. i also do it because I like to appear to be solid and strong having everything together one who can be counted on for others to look to to lean on when in crisis or needing a friend to turn to. Sometimes that backfies though as my thoughts and feelings become a cicle of chasing each other and not being able to resolve anything or come to an answer on what to do to handle a given situation. My mind is always on autopilot it seems never stopping even while seeking to sleep Certain feelings cause my inner alarm to go off making me think something bad could happen to my body and ultimately my soul the *real me* I try to let God help me to remain calm and know He is in control and will take care of me but fear and anxiety often push their way inside and try to make me a prisoner. When my fears get the better of me i spiral down and hit a blockade or deadend death and being buried in the ground take and paralyze my mind and all other thoughts. i cannot seem to focus on being in heaven on Jesus taking me and letting me be with Him in whatever way He wants me to be all the truth of salvation and what it means since death is needed in order to experience it h gets choked. I dont know just why this is why my faith and understanding seems to become so small and cut off when the reality of death rears itself in a genuine emotional sensation.

I think very possibly alot of my fear and my emotional struggles are related to my dads dying young and my having very little inner remembrance of a solid emotional personal relationship with him. i have images certain memories pictures that spark things but i have no recall of how his voice sounded and no real deep sensing of how he was in his personality although i can remember certain things and also have been told by many relatives and friends of his what kind of person he was. Distance loss lack of connection abandonment possibly my own failings and having done something wrong to have caused him to die so young. Im getting choked up even typing that. i KNOW i didnt do anything to make him die when he did but a part of me really feels that way and i think i have tried to just bury it anytime it surfaced. I never knew any of my friends other relatives kids at school or church or in my neighborhood who lost a parent to early death. I know many have but i never knew one and I dont know all of how i didnt deal with emotional issues i needed to because i didnt want to upset my mom and cause her any more pain or just be a burden to anyone else. A large part of me always thinks i need to keep my emotional pain and issues inside because i should be strong enough to handle them anyway and i dont want to make anyone hurt by unloading my stuff on them at all.

I wonder how this comes across to those who read it?? I again really appreciate any and all feeback if you have felt a similar way or if you have felt entirely opposite. Any kind of intraction is always welcomed and encoraged. Im so thankful to have this as a place to open up myself especially feeling the rumblings certain memories and thoughts evoke. Grace and peace to you all!!!!


At 10:20 AM, Blogger bjk said...

A large part of me always thinks i need to keep my emotional pain and issues inside because i should be strong enough to handle them anyway and i dont want to make anyone hurt by unloading my stuff on them at all.

Totally me, that's why I started blogging...if I didn't I was gonna start telling everyone how I 'felt' and everyone already told me I was too emotional so....

for me to think I had that power was wrong....pride kept me from seeing it as what it was, self protection....I still want to self protect...hide behind walls and behaviours that just continue to keep me alone.....

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Barbara (aka Layla) said...

Roberto, I was going to say something similar to Becky. This blog of yours is your place to be the real you. All of us have to "edit" ourselves in certain situations and its rare to be able to be the real me anywhere except with my closest friends (and on my blog). Its not wrong, its just practical. I wanted to cry at work yesterday but I didn't.

And yes, I think losing your dad has a great impact on your life. How could it not? We all have stories that shape us. Its sad - but I think most people are hurting, just not everyone shows it as well as we do :)


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