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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, July 16, 2007

what drives the fear

i have often commented on my fear of death ever since i started my blog journey and bjk of inthequiet asked me to give more details about what the fear really is. Here is my attempt to do that. I know that I was prone to a more sensitive spirit even as a very little kid and was more easily afraid than not. I have my first vivid memory of this from going a ride called the *wild mouse* at an amusement park in new jersey when I was 5 or 6. I was scared by the heights and spins and fast movements of the ride and remember not liking the feeling it left in me at all. My sister on the other hand who was 2 or 3 loved it dont ask me how a kid that young got on this ride maybe it was the fact my dad was a cop???? you decide. lol

My paternal grandmother was a very fearful,overprotective person and she was a major influence on me as she was living with us and around all the time when my mom and dad both worked. I do recall her expressing worry and concern over me hurting myself and gettin gsock or something. Our family also dealt with my dads having skin cancer which ended up becoming terminal ultimately and killed him when he was only 30 years old. he was a cop as i said and worked regularly up until the cancer just made him too sick and spread throughtout his body. Our family lived a failrly normal life as far as normal goes of course we had underlying tensions because if my dads cancer as well as my grandmas alcoholism but we dealt with it as best we could as far az i recall.

I learned to read by the time i was 4 starting at 3 i think and i was a more shy and introverted kid even that young. I think i retreated into my imagination and my own inner world in order to handle life stresses and things i saw as hurtful or unable to deal with. Our family was catholic and i went to church every sunday also catechism and took my first communion. I did take it all very seriuously i remember and did have a real understanding God was real and always providing for us and the world. i dont recall hearing or learning about a love faith relationship with Jesus however. I do still seem to feel the pull of a mediator being present whenever i go to God in prayer. its just something that is inside even though my understanding knows Jesus is the only One between me and the Father. I cant help but think this is left over from the catholic instruction and goiing to confession.

I think my fear is a mixture of things. Part of it is simply the unknown. No person has ever come bacjk from death to talk about it only Jesus. The Bible gives some vivid images about heaven and hell and what happens once we die. Another part of my fear is that soehow i will fall short of the obedience God asks of those who follow Him and of the faith needed. I dont know how to fully put this into words because alot of it emotional at the core. i know and believe Jesus by His life death and resurrection has paid the price for me and by trusting Him as Lord and Savior A part of us is irrational and struggles because of our fallen nature. All the doubts and questions that are common to us all as humans cause my fear dilemma. The fear struggle goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail sometimes never stops. Gods grace is the only thing that sets me free from this endless itch. Adding to the mix is the fact I think/feel that i shouldnt have this fear at all as a believer because of the reality of Jesus having saved me yet that begs the question as it comes back to basic faith issues. Even His closest apostles struggled with their faith. I pray God understands my frailty and weakness and is helping me deal with it even as i write this. I hope that is a good answer and makes sense at least in the way my weird mind thinks anyway.

1 Comments:

At 7:09 AM, Blogger bjk said...

I get it Robert.....but who told you or why do you .....

Adding to the mix is the fact I think/feel that i shouldnt have this fear at all as a believer because of the reality of Jesus having saved me yet that begs the question as it comes back to basic faith issues.

In Catholocism the 'basic faith issues' are kind of stringent don't you think...and then when we come to Christ how do we get rid of them?? Or is it just US?

 

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