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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, July 27, 2007

MY Kobayashi Maru Scenario

I am not a *trekkie* but I have always liked the original Star Trek. My favorite move in the many that have been made in the series has to be Star Trek 2 Wrath of Khan!!!! It has all the elements in it which appeal to me in a good storyline. I have a friend and we can almost recite the entire movie word for word together lol we do love to nnoy others by doing this from time to time. The title of my post is from this movie. It is a *no win scenario* No escape no way out. The dilemma I talked about in my previous post dealt in part with this problem. It is a combination of a theological/emotional/spiritual puzzle for me. A great many believers hold to a view of salvation known as calvinism which has as one of its major tenets a doctrine called predestination. Those who are believers are called the *elect* and have been predestined to be *elect* by God before He ever created them. God chose to make them His nothing can change that and its completely determined and will happen according to Gods sovereingty and foreknowledge. I happen to not be a follower of this view BUT so many are and so many who seem to have all their spiritual ducks in a row so to speak it causes deep uneasiness in times of severe struggle in which doubts and shame over my own lack of living out the life i am called to live by Jesus knock me around like a prizefighter.What do i do if Im NOT one of the *elect*????

This is a subject which has plagued us since the fall and always will. I am speaking from a purely personal/emotional vantage point here. If the doctrine is true all of us who are not *elect* are lost. Even if we may think or consider ourselves to be true believers. We are the clay God is the Potter we have no say and no right to even want a say. Typing this is making my jaw ache because my teeth are clenching. I SO DONT BUY THIS AS WHO GOD IS AND HOW HE RELATES TO US!!!!!!!!!!!!! That being said the anguish of the *what-ifs* remains. A wonderful friend becky from *inthequiet* gave me a challenge and called me out to accept Gods love for me and that Jesus is always present loving me regardless of my faliures into sin again and again. i accept that call and want to place myself on the altar as a living sacrifice like Paul speaks of in Romans 12. The no-win part is that I have this inner drill sgt who keeps screaming that i never measured up before i accepted Christ and i still havent even after all these years of being a follower and believer. Trying to make me question if I ever really had faith at all because of the letting and having fear be so prevalent and for lacking obedience and trust.

THe ultimate battle is over my will i think as i write and think on what im saying here. The Gospel is true Jesus is Lord and Savior and His love grace and forgiveness never cease. he HAS given me a real realization of His love and Truth but i still have a part of me that holds back resists tries to hold onto things that are not in line with Him and His Kingdom. Is this the plight all of us, and im talking about christians here, that all of us who are His go through until we are taken into eternity???? I see the call in His Word see the challenge to die to self to seek His Kingdom and His righteousness first to be not afraid to love Him and love others as ourselves and I am not even remotely close to making it any of it. Mostly none of us are though if we are truly honest which also makes mw wonder God doesnt want us to freak out over how much we fail because it serves to make us realize even more just how without question we need Jesus.

Now that i have laid all this out on here in sequence I also see where i just need to see my immaturity and grow up into the man who He wants me to be. i have 2 sides here and dont we all the part of me that is sold out and wanting to be a complete disciple is wondering why i let this crazy side even take so much energy so much time so much of anything but that crazy side is there and hopefully sharing it all so openly even if alot is rehash will serve to strengthen me and al;low me to let Him fill me and guide me in the deepest way I want.

Again, does this click with you dear readers???? its amazing how God clarifies things whcich rattle inside my head once i come here and share it. Quite a smart God


At 10:22 AM, Blogger Larry said...

I can't buy Calvinism either, but I do understand the motivation behind the idea. If salvation depends upon a move by us toward God then we're in trouble.

It's more complicated than that, I believe. How can I question what God does? I believe that he is doing everything he can to present himself to everyone in the world. I believe that anyone can feel this call and respond but the details fuzz out into things I don't see clearly. If there is truly nothing good in any of us, then were does this desire to know God come from? I don't know.

I do know that we are not machines. We make choices; we were made with the express intent that we guide at least some part of our lives.

The problem with theology is that it attempts to codify and simplify God so that we understand. In so doing we filter God right out of the mix and what is left is deadly guilt.

I do know that we are powerless to change anything deeper than our skin. Even the tools of psychology are too crude. Only the Holy Spirit has the wisdom and deft touch required to transform a dying humann soul into a new being... and it takes time. Time spent in backing-and-forthing, praising God and then cursing him.

God has heard and seen it all before. His hope is always that through it all we will come closer to him.


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