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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

ome of my craziness

Trying to sort through my brain and put together lucid thoughts while they are still fresh. I have been piecing together various strands of wonderment inside my mind dealing with death,fear,transformation,change and alot of other related issues. My mind has always seemed to try and be a great chess player seeking to be 5 moves ahead ok maybe 2 moves yea lol. I seem to have a very childlike outlook when it comes to alot of these areas one that contains magic thinking and definitely lacks for absolute grounding. I think I developed a fantasy world within my head when very young and it wasnt even a conscious pointed choice decision just something i did out of an inner necessity to escape or avoid pain or struggle i felt was too overwhelming. Do any of you think this is possible??? have any of you maybe dome something similar??? I am thinking out loud alot in exploring these thoughts.

Physical death is permanent. It is the end as far as life lived on this earth. It gets everyone even though Im sure we all entertain within ourselves the vestige of hope that by some odd circumstance we will somehow be the lone exception who can someway outfox death and not have to go through it. Of course death is not a problem for those who have no fear and are absolutely secure in their faith and trust in knowing God will be holding them in His Hands immediiately as they pass from this earth into eternity. I think that might be the crux of my fear. Perfect love casts out fear and those who fear have not been perfected in love and fear punishment. Ok so then since i have fear how do i get to the place where i am perfected in love??? Because i have fear i then complicate by fearing the fact i have fear when i know i should be fearless because Gods love should make it so im fearless. Not being feraless causes me to fear more because i am fearing lacking faith which in turn would make me filled with love if i was stronger in faith and thus would remove the fear.

Ok are you taking a deep breath now and wondering if i missed some of my antipsychotic meds today???? yikes That was a small example of the jumble i go through daily within my head in dealing with my issues of fear faith love acceptance and all the rest. I satruggle even more deeply inside because I have more than enough knowledge of what i need to know and yet i find ways to not let that satisfy me and still have areas where Im fearing and hurting and wondering why I am in the condition Im in. I really appreciate solo9mon more and more each day vanity of vanities all is vanity except for loving God and loving others as ourselves. If only I could let that be what i lived out as simply as its stated.

Someone come by and tell me Im not crazy and not a 5150 who needs to be in a rubber room!! Serioussly though I really do hope to recive lots of responses any and all welcome Hope all of you whoever you may be are enjoying a fantastic day and carrying on in the journey!!


At 3:10 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

Okay I have to start by saying thankyou so much for your kind comment on my blog I do appreciate it and its nice to see a new face, scary but nice.
I so want to read back and get to know you better but, Faith has got me where I am today and I hope you find a happy medium but I can totally relate to this post seriously you make sense to me so either were really clever and on the same page or where both mad. So Im hoping its the latter.

I will be back :)

At 8:48 AM, Blogger bjk said...

You are so not ...well not any crazier than the rest of us....

What if....there's a piece of obedience you maybe need to struggle with.....I don't know how to ask it Robert, I'm just curious what your take is on obedience? If you know like you say you know why not believe it or is it truer to say you 'feel' as though you are supposed to know and maybe that's this journey??
That's the crazy I got.....thanks for being so transparent and approachable here...

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Barbara (aka Layla) said...

Dude, if they send you to a rubber room you will be in good company, BJK and I will be there too :)

Just kidding, none of us are nuts, just seekers on a journey and thinkers that have a hard time turning the switch to "low" and just mellowing out.

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Larry said...

If you're crazy, then the rest of us who follow Jesus are too. Forgiveness is such a radical idea that few in our guilt-based society get it.

Still, it's the truth. Jesus didn't come here to make us feel guilty. Looking at the Cross is solemn, but also joyful because there, but for the grace of God, we'd be. That we're not is His doing.

The guilt is gone. We are helpless. There is nothing you can add to Jesus' action.

How deeply do you want to let God reach into you? The only thing that stops Him is the willful lies we tell ourselves. Look at the Cross and know how much God loves you, and that's his invitation to the truth.


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